When you fall in love with some one you take on all that they are and have, that includes kids. It is hard being a parent. All the rules, trying to make the right choices, picking what to use from your childhood and what to avoid. Now with all of that already on your plate add a partner that comes with kids that have all been raised differently.
I came in to my step kids lives at 11, 9, and 1. When I first met them it was great and somewhat easy. The biggest challenge was and still is their Dad. A lot has gone on in the last 4 years that have affected each child and why wouldn’t it. Divorce is hard and confusing and then coming in to a whole new situation getting to know someone new and another kid, is just a lot.
Each kid is very different in their own way including my own. So together we have 4, Two girls and two boys. The oldest is 15 going on 16 and she will be a junior in high school. The middle one is 13 and he is going in to 8th grade at the same school my daughter who is 12 goes too. And the youngest is 5 going to be 6 and will be starting kindergarten this year. For the last year we have had the oldest and youngest living with us full time and the middle one wanted to live with his dad to see how that went and well he is moving back with us full time and I have my daughter every other week.
I am a huge believer in having the kids involved sports and activities. I think it helps build character and teaches them discipline and commitment. I wasn’t around obviously when they were younger but I guess they did activities, bmx and cheer. The younger one has never done anything. As older kids they don’t but I am getting the 13 year old back in to bmx and possibly the 5 year old. My daughter does gymnastics competitively and our 15 year old is at the age where she doesn’t really want to do anything. She is artistic so I have bought her painting tools and she will do that every once in awhile. I think she is talking about maybe getting a job which would be great to earn and learn some responsibility.
I love kids and I love these kids and just want so much for them. I want to teach and push them to be there best they can. The last 4 years they have seen their parents go through some struggles and it has been hard because I don’t know how to be there for them. The older ones aren’t real affectionate and verbal with feelings. I have and do tell them I love them mostly in text and will get it back usually. The little guy is a little rough with his affection towards me but I will take it and there are times I will tell him I love him but don’t always get it back. I am a lover and I find it hard to show it to them or am always trying to figure out how I can express it so they can tell.
Even though I have a daughter, it is more natural for me to get along with boys. I have 7 godchildren, and only 3 of them are girls. I feel like I hit it off quicker with the boys when I first met them, but as they have gotten older we had some more challenges because of their dad. The middle boy looks up to his dad which most boys do but their dad hasn’t and doesn’t really speak highly of me, and I know that can affect a kids head, but I don’t give up even though there have been times I want to. I always have to remind myself when it comes to all of the kids including mine that they are just kids and didn’t ask for this life and all of the things they have gotten dragged through.
Like I said earlier, being a parent is hard but being a stepparent is even harder. Trying to earn respect and trust from them is the hardest. Not 100% knowing how the kids work, trying not to get in the way of the co-parenting (if any), trying not to push your ways on everyone, and trying not to be overbearing just in general is an everyday challenge. My partner and I were raised differently and that has and will continue to affect how we have raise our kids. I know I am not perfect, but there are times I feel that the way I might do or direct some things would be more productive and efficient. Her kids haven’t really been raised with rules, goals, and responsibilities. I have always been the more strict parent not only with mine, but in my past relationships. I feel like I can find a good balance between firm and soft when discipline and authority comes in to play. But sometimes I just don’t even know how to communicate with them and I shut down. There are times I feel very small when I am around them and the respect of being a parent isn’t given.
Each relationship with the kids are different. I have tried to raise my daughter knowing her worth and beauty. I tell her how beautiful she is and she can do anything she wants. We have tried to encourage and lift her up. We have babied her in some ways and guided her in others. When it comes to my stepdaughter it hasn’t always been smooth. I have tried to express in a similar way with her that I have my daughter, and its just not the same. I don’t think my daughter has ever tried to search for love and compliments.
I can’t say for sure, but compliments weren’t thrown around at their house from what I have been told. So when the 15 year old is feeling herself or unsure about how she feels, she kind of walks in the room awkwardly like, “how do I look?” I try to use the words beautiful and gorgeous but it feels kind of weird, but I still do it. I try to have talks with her about boys and stuff but she does that with her mom and feel like its not really my place. She is a smart, sensitive (but doesn’t always show it), and beautiful girl. She does good in school and stays out of trouble, but can be lazy when it comes to stuff at home and just drive in life but maybe that’s just being a teenager. I want to teach her good work ethics, how to work hard, be responsible with her money, and to be good to others.
In the beginning, I felt like I hit it off with the middle boy the best. I am a tomboy and play pretty rough so it was easy. Shopping for him and giving him attention seemed to be what he needed and honestly I as well. I was rough but sweet, and I think he liked that. He is funny and smart but struggles in school and well, so did I so I felt like I could relate and have patience. I felt like we bonded for awhile, but like I said, he and his dads relationship is something he craves and well, his dad is not nice about me and how he talks and I always feel like he is in the middle of things. He is moving back with us full time and I am hoping to get close to him again and get him back in to bmx. He is a great kid and I think just craves a bond and closeness with someone.
Let’s talk about the littlest guy. He is something else. I have been in his life since he was a baby but there has been some back and forth and well, again his dad doesn’t talk nice about me and he has been and is a sponge. Each house is different and that includes the rules. He is so smart and silly and very clingy to his mom. It used to come between us, but I have learned to just remind myself kids don’t stay little forever. When it comes to rules for this little guy well, there are none. When he would be at his dads , grandmas, or here there are not really any rules, unless his mom isn’t home and its just me. He has rules and he follows them most of the time. I am having a lot of challenges with him these days and just hope that we will all get on the same page soon.
At the moment we live in an apartment, so we don’t have a yard or space to play, but there are still things to do but he doesn’t. He sits on his moms phone or now plays video games all day. He will have the tv on while he watches the phone, and I just think that is just too much sometimes. The things he watches are not something I generally agree with and how he talks and acts again, is not something I generally agree with because he is just mimicking what he watches and well, its not my favorite. I truly believe that what we watch and engage in affects us and our minds. I hear stories all the time and I know I can’t protect him and shelter him, that’s just not how he was and is raised, but I wish I could put more positive things in that little mind. When school was in and he was in preschool, I tried to do workbooks and get him to read so he can practice his sight words and he just wasn’t into it. His attention doesn’t hold for long unless it is an electronic. When I get him away from the phone and outside doing things, I love it and I know he does too. I also love just hanging out, me and him. It is just easier to bond when I take him out of the house and am able to interact with him.
I love these kids so much, and I love their mom even more. I want so much for all of them and want them to all have such a full life. I want to be an example of hard work, their biggest fan, support, friend, and parent. I know I will never be their parent, but I hope they will see how much I love them and would do anything for them and all I ask for is respect and understanding from them that I am doing my best. Being a stepparent is a choice and a commitment. We work hard for our bond and connection, and it really is a hard job because sometimes we feel like we just don’t fit in, but love is unconditional and I love these kids and am excited for a future with them.
Consistently inconsistent 