Heavy-hearted is what I feel when I am carrying feelings and emotions I wish I could share or take away from someone. This last year I have had a yearning to want to be working at my full potential. Meaning I know I am #madeformore and I just feel like I want more. I want to give more, I want to help more, I want to serve more, I want to create more, I want to love more. As I get older and have kids it’s really hard to see this world and how it affects everyone. I want so much for everyone and everything, but I just get so bummed watching the news or even just talking to people. There is so much sadness and it breaks my heart.
I see these kids taking their own lives and I break. I was a kid once and I feel like I can help. I feel like I want to listen and just hold them. I have felt the feeling of being alone, misunderstood, and unwanted. $h!t I even feel that as an adult sometimes daily. Kids are still mean and um hello those mean kids when I was little grew up and well didn’t change.
I deal with bullies daily. I try to keep my head higher and stay strong but I break some days. I never want my kid or kids to feel what I do. I want to raise her and them to be strong but it’s hard. Each child is different and I struggle. I am a sensitive person and well it might not be healthy but tend to shut down when I feel attacked or misunderstood. I want to share all that I have. I want to spread more love and encouragement in this world.
It is scary to think that life at every and any moment can change. When I was younger we didn’t know when it could or would happen, but kids these days have every and any alert and notification at their fingertips. These days we are watching people on social media killing, causing accidents, getting in fights, doing drugs, and bullying all right in front of our face. Kids are being bought and sold at the mall, attacked and killed at school, watching people in pain kill themselves on these platforms that were created in hopes of growth. I know this crap is heavy but this is all the trash and sadness we might be watching our kids or kids we know do on our phones, or computers, or iPads.
I try to teach my daughter if you want to see a change you have to be change. I might not be all the changes I want to be in every aspect but I sure as hell know how to change my thoughts and I sure as hell want to see a change in this world. I believe it starts with us. I am not political out loud nor religious unless I feel I am safe to be, and in most places I don’t. I know and practice in my daily that other people’s opinions don’t matter when it comes to me and mine but I have to remember that as well. So when people say “guns don’t kill people,” duh the people behind the guns do. In order to have a surgery, get married, sometimes get divorced, you have to do counseling yet you don’t have to do crap to buy a gun.
I could go on and on but I will try to contain myself because again it is only my opinion. My point in everything is if we worried more about working on people and their hearts and lives this world could change. If we change our thoughts we can change our lives. We need to feed more positivity, we need more hope. There was a video going around on of course the internet of a coach catching a student with a gun getting ready to take lives and you know how he got that avoided? He hugged him. He embraced him. He told him that he didn’t need to do that. That he was worthy. That coach showed hope and saved lives. A kid at my daughter’s school shows up to fight and possibly have a weapon and the next thing you see is the Principle run across and tackle him. YES YES YES. a cracked rib in place of a life I will take.
Inventory needs to be taken at home and in the workplace of who and what you are surrounding yourself with. Are the people in our lives lifting and spreading good or belittling and breaking people? Are the things we are watching and reading making us better or bitter? Are we teaching and showing our kids that being nice will always be better? Are we involving ourselves in their lives or allowing them to shut the door and engage in whatever? Raising kids these days with all of the outside influences is very hard. We are not the only thing leading them a lot of the time we aren’t even the ones that are even close to leading and teaching.
I don’t want to settle for who is in my life anymore. Young or old. As I have gotten older I have close to no friends and close to never get invited or go out. Sometimes I get bothered by it and sometimes I am glad I am at a different place in my life. I want to surround myself with like people but also people that are doing better than me, smarter than me, stronger than me, kinder than me, and want more than me because those people will push me to be better. I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation and then get silly on a game. I don’t and can’t be blind to the world but I want to surround myself with people that won’t let me think about it but I know would have my back. I want to be able to go to the people in my life and be able to ask advice without judgment but have an understanding. I just want to influence and hopefully show a better option and choice in life.
Consistently inconsistent 