Today is a hard one. I always imagined Sundays as a day spent together, running errands, grabbing lunch, doing some shopping, and getting ready for the week. And now on these days sometimes I feel paralyzed with emotions. It’s hard to try to forget the way I envisioned our and my life to be.
I never thought I would end up alone every day. These last three years and the last year itself have been hard. I know half of it was out of my control but the other half makes me think, did I even try or fight hard enough for them not to leave. I am not one that wants to force or make someone be somewhere they don’t want to be, but then I am left here wondering what is so bad about me that they would rather be without me than with me.
I know I am a grown adult and should be just fine, and some days I am but there are still many days I hate not being able to drive to my family’s house to have a bbq and just hang out or have family dinner. Craving time with my daughter and wanting to just hang out is a big challenge for me emotionally. I have to remind myself she is growing up and is my kid not my partner if that makes sense. Its not her job to fulfill the emptiness I feel in the areas of my life but damn I am lonely a lot these days.
I don’t think I will ever get used to being alone and as much as it is not my focus at all, I might not be forever but I am not and will not look for someone to feel the void. Whatever is meant to be will be and at the right time if it is meant. I don’t like it but I deal with it. Ring alone that is.
As I have said in previous blogs I am an overthinker so there are many moments I am just not ok. I don’t always know how to just let the past go and let the life I was told we would have be just a past thought. I just hate I have been here before and just like those times I have no choice. Nothing I say or do will or can change that what is.
I think that is the hardest part. Feeling like I have no control of certain things in my life or knowing that I don’t is hard. Letting things just be and trusting everything will just work out or having to be patient and put more effort in to me is not something I am used to. Well being patient yes that I can do but to focus on myself is different alone. I am not sure if that makes sense but to me it does.
So today is a hard day and the only way through it is to feel it. I have to be honest with myself in these moments but also know it won’t always be like this. From songs, things, smells, and memories all are hitting me today. So remember it’s ok to feel, ok to be sad, ok to cry, and ok to just sit in it. The only thing I can control is how I get through it all. As I try to be kind to myself please remember to be kind to yourself and the others around you.
Consistently inconsistent 
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing so much of your life with us. As my current relationship and family I have worked so hard to build these past several years I am finding comfort in reading your words. I don’t feel so isolated or alone. So thank you.
That being said I am so sorry for your pain. I know how you have felt, and feel. You are not alone either.
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