It has been quite a year to say the least. This time last year I was freshly broken up with, told she was already dating someone else, having to work with her for the rest of the month because she couldn’t be inconvenienced, dealing with the passing of my grandpa, had my birthday coming up, and trying to cope with letting go of the life I thought I would have and was told just weeks before. Now I know that was a lot and of course it wasn’t the end of the world, but it felt like it to me. I can honestly say I didn’t see any of that coming. Things were up and down but did not expect what was thrown at me.
At that moment I went in to fighting mode. I had to. I was having panic attacks, not sleeping, not eating and questioning everything in my life. Thankfully, the previous month I had started counseling again and a few friends that helped me through it. Now sad to say this wasn’t my first rodeo dealing with change, which I am not a fan of, but having to be stuck in it was not easy. I felt like I was going crazy and was hard to have to just keep on going.
Something changed in me big time. I decided to focus on myself for the next 6 months. I started the gym, changed my eating habits, started school again, dove deep in to a lot of self exploration, and wanting to make sure I grew but didn’t harden my heart.
While in counseling a word that came out that I have never really used was abandonment. I had been feeling that in a few areas of life and then being hit and treated the way I was from her made it feel even stronger. I am someone that doesn’t like to really use certain words to classify certain feelings because I feel they are held for more specific cases. But what I had to allow myself to, I had been through a lot of stuff and was allowed to use these words I felt were so specific.
In 2018 there was a very traumatic incident that happened and was just beginning of so many more little things along with a few things the years prior that had just been chipping away at me. Since 2020 I have been dealing with the feeling of abandonment as well. Now I am someone that really tries to identify exactly what I am feeling and not discredit that it is any of mine to feel or that I am being ridiculous. But as I have been talking about it in counseling, I have had to learn that my feelings are valid because that is not how I have ever felt. That is really hard for me to accept and to think about myself.
But last year really did something to me and I had to fight to change my thoughts at every moment. Instead of asking why, which I did constantly, I asked myself how. How can I learn from this, how can I change my thoughts, how can I protect myself from another outcome like this. Now we all know you can never really protect yourself from nothing ever happening again, but I can learn to be more aware and listen to my instincts more. I can slow down and think before I do things.
Through the year there have been little bumps, but also there has been so much growth and learning. A year later I have gained an amazing friend group, I have done more things to make happy memories than I ever have, I have opened myself to new experiences, I have started focusing on making memories in moments rather then just going through life. I still have a lot I am working through and learning to cope with, but I am so much stronger than I was last year.
I am staying patient with myself and my process. I have kept my heart soft and open to life. I have continued to do new things, celebrate life every day, count my blessings, and believe that I am something of worth. I will be honest, that last one is a daily fight, at almost 42, single, alone most of the time other than at work, and still trying to understand a lot in my life. I know what I do and can bring to the table. I am not sure when and if I will ever meet someone to share a life with again, but I do know I will keep myself open and my heart soft. I will continue to be who I am and always will be. I will check in on people without expectations, I will allow space for people that are in need while protecting myself, I will keep working on growing to know who I am and work towards my full potential.
I am and always will be someone that does work. The only thing in life that will be 100% will be my phone battery, and my intentions in all areas of life, but life changes and fluctuates constantly and giving myself grace to move forward and if I need to just be still is also a practice I do. I am blessed I know that and I am thankful for it always. I will continue to focus on growing and surrounding myself with things that make me happy. I will keep trying new things and enjoying the people in my life. I will leave space to continue to heal and learn about myself. I will be gentle with my thoughts and words to myself. I will also continue to recognize how far I have come and that my life has changed significantly all in positive ways since last June.
Consistently inconsistent 