The unexpected

I am sure we all have had this vision of what our life would look like, or what we wanted it to look like right? I have always had, for the most part one version. I wanted a family. I wanted a house full of love and laughter, fun and slight chaos (very slight, and not like bad chaos, but like running kids around and handling business chaos), I had to make that clear sorry. Now I have had a few situations of that, and I guess I still have hopes of one day finding my perfect version because those just weren’t mine I guess. That’s fine, I don’t want what’s not meant for me.

My counselor, in our last session asked me,” Breanna what kind of life do you envision?” I had to take a second because, and only because I had to think if it was still what I wanted at this point. The reason she asked was because my life right now is a little different and I had come to a realization that I was just going to be alone. I answered, ” I want to live life with someone.” I mean who doesn’t right? All I have ever wanted was to create memories with someone, have traditions with, wake up and go to sleep with, create a home with, go on adventures with, love, support, and cheer someone on in all they do. I want to be someone’s biggest fan, and want someone to want that with me.

Now at 43, it can be a little harder to have some of that because I am not in the beginning of life, but like mid-life I would say. I am not saying I can’t have any of it but, it will most likely be modified because at this age we all come with a luggage set, (not going to say baggage because that sounds negative and I like to keep it positive) and well in a luggage set there are multiple pieces that come with it varying in sizes. When it comes to unpacking I usually start with the smallest and then end with the biggest. You know knock out the easy stuff first so I can focus on the big.

I know anyone I meet at this point in life is coming with some luggage and I am here for it. I am patient and process like no other. Hi, you know me I have a love/hate relationship with thinking, but it helps me and sometimes helps others a long the way. The one challenge I do and will have is when they hesitate to even think about opening it. If I am with someone I am committed to whatever that brings. I am not here to judge or jury a life. I am here to support and with love take each thing that comes up one thing at a time. I want to create a safe space to open up and face things together.

Whether it is love or friendship, it comes with either expectations of things we will or won’t deal with and I think that’s healthy. We have all been through a lot and I know and can only speak for me that I feel like I have a better understanding now what I will and won’t put up with. I also will communicate feelings before but saying goodbye. I mean we don’t know what we don’t know but once we have taken the time listen to understand and it still doesn’t work then choices should be made. I always want to try to listen to understand. There is so much I want t o understand but I also need to remember what I need and what works best for me.

I want things in life, who doesn’t. It might not be the conventional way everyone else does it but it is not their journey, it is mine, and like I said I have thought many times in my life I knew what my life would be and well not even close and that is ok. I have to keep being me and being true to my heart and mind. Life is short and I want to be happy and content in it. I also know I can’t plan it honestly because anything can change at any moment.

My life right now my life is more than half full, but to me that just means there is room to grow, experience, make choices, and have fun. I have a lot of blessings to count and a lot of things to continue to work on. I personally see that as a win. I have no idea where life is going to take me now, in a few weeks, months, or years, but I know I want to stay positive in all that I have and all that is to come. So if you meet me now or I have already been in your life I come with luggage, but not to much that I can’t make room for yours.