Author: creativelygrowing82

I am a mother, a salon owner, and passionate about people. I feel that everyone has a story, and if we just listened with the intent to understand instead of always shutting people down and not allowing people to feel safe to talk, I believe slowly things would change. These will be my stories and feelings shared in hopes that maybe I can help or make people feel safe to share with and open up about struggles.

Why does it have to be so hard

Being left with no goodbye and so many questions is not something I have felt before especially since I didn’t do anything to deserve that. All I want to do is know why we or I wasn’t worth it. Thats what I am left with feeling. It’s terrible.

She just moved on with someone else so quick. Eight years with someone and then no down time just to the next and I mean I am sure it’s just me but how could someone that has watched our relationship just be like yeah let’s go full force. Just some of the many questions.

I know everyone is different and no one’s opinion matters, of course, this is just all my side and my feelings, but how can someone just bounce around without taking time? That makes me feel crappy and like a waste. I know in past post I have expressed how much we have been through together but if anyone really knew the long list of things it would seem crappy.

Today it has been exactly a month since I have seen or heard my ex. This month has been extremely hard and lots of ups and downs. I don’t know how to shake how I feel. Some days are fine and some are bad.

Loving someone still and having to let them go is hard. Life is not fair. And I know my life is not terrible. But what I am feeling and going through right now is like nothing I have felt, so I don’t know how to navigate it all. I never thought I would be here since I was told otherwise.

I keep hearing and reading the quote “ At the end of a relationship there is always one that moves on right away and the other that takes the time to heal”, well that is so true. But when I look back at friends or other people I know that I have seen that with, it is always a certain kind of person that moves on or had someone already to go to.

I am trying to do all the things therapy, writing, self-care, working on my mental health, and trying to feel so I can heal, but I just get stuck with thoughts. I was told so much and believed it and now I am here and well they are trying to create the life I and we wanted. New is always fun and good.

Now please don’t get me wrong I have said it before and will again all I want is for her to be happy, that is all I tried to do. Give the life she deserved and wanted, but it sucks that because of things that we went through it damaged me and became not good enough. It sucks. Sometimes people just want to live with no consequences. With all that I still have love and hurt and just wish I could change it all.

Eight years of memories, love, laughter, hard times, great times, kids, trips, and so much more. I love them all and always will. And I know a lot of people would question this but I would do it all again because to me it was worth it. She was worth it. I know this was all over the place and thank you for following along.

You’re allowed to have a hard day

Today is a hard one. I always imagined Sundays as a day spent together, running errands, grabbing lunch, doing some shopping, and getting ready for the week. And now on these days sometimes I feel paralyzed with emotions. It’s hard to try to forget the way I envisioned our and my life to be.

I never thought I would end up alone every day. These last three years and the last year itself have been hard. I know half of it was out of my control but the other half makes me think, did I even try or fight hard enough for them not to leave. I am not one that wants to force or make someone be somewhere they don’t want to be, but then I am left here wondering what is so bad about me that they would rather be without me than with me.

I know I am a grown adult and should be just fine, and some days I am but there are still many days I hate not being able to drive to my family’s house to have a bbq and just hang out or have family dinner. Craving time with my daughter and wanting to just hang out is a big challenge for me emotionally. I have to remind myself she is growing up and is my kid not my partner if that makes sense. Its not her job to fulfill the emptiness I feel in the areas of my life but damn I am lonely a lot these days.

I don’t think I will ever get used to being alone and as much as it is not my focus at all, I might not be forever but I am not and will not look for someone to feel the void. Whatever is meant to be will be and at the right time if it is meant. I don’t like it but I deal with it. Ring alone that is.

As I have said in previous blogs I am an overthinker so there are many moments I am just not ok. I don’t always know how to just let the past go and let the life I was told we would have be just a past thought. I just hate I have been here before and just like those times I have no choice. Nothing I say or do will or can change that what is.

I think that is the hardest part. Feeling like I have no control of certain things in my life or knowing that I don’t is hard. Letting things just be and trusting everything will just work out or having to be patient and put more effort in to me is not something I am used to. Well being patient yes that I can do but to focus on myself is different alone. I am not sure if that makes sense but to me it does.

So today is a hard day and the only way through it is to feel it. I have to be honest with myself in these moments but also know it won’t always be like this. From songs, things, smells, and memories all are hitting me today. So remember it’s ok to feel, ok to be sad, ok to cry, and ok to just sit in it. The only thing I can control is how I get through it all. As I try to be kind to myself please remember to be kind to yourself and the others around you.

New, always becomes old

The beginning of anything in life is always exciting and exhilarating. Learning new things, all the new feelings, all the new experiences, but life does and will happen. New is something you create. That you keep. That you have to continue to find new so that you can keep that, well, high so to speak.

But not knowing how to keep and create that constant new feeling will hold you in the past. Someone stuck there, in the beginning, will never know how to live in the present and future. That’s when you have to do “The Work”. The work to keep learning. The work to keep trying new things.

These days I have found there are not many that do the work. The real work. If we did this the world and so many relationships would be so different, love and friendships. It’s not easy but nothing worth having and keeping is.

Now I can only speak of my own experiences and well although I am presently single, that does not mean I did not do the work. When in a relationship it takes two. To be real, honest, and completely upfront about who you are. Like who you are. There are so many that are either too afraid or just too fake to give that to the person they are with.

Now you don’t have to word vomit it all out the first day but definitely in the beginning, because that will as much as you think it might not help determine whether there will be a chance to continue to work on keeping the new and learning of each other. There are so many things that can keep people on their toes.

I know that there will be times when things become routine, stagnant, or even boring. At times that’s okay because maybe life at that time might need that but, it should not be forgotten that there is always something new to learn or try.

In life and in relationships things happen, good and bad. Some experiences break us or even sometimes slow things down and can take a toll on things. If we get stuck in those moments and times it can make it utterly difficult to get past and try to find new and exciting. We can allow it to paralyze us in life and make it hard to move past. Some will drown and revert to wanting to relive the past instead of remembering that you can find and work to have that right where you are to help pull you out of it.

Some will succeed and some will just bail and find it elsewhere because there has just been too much to dilute the clear picture that was. That feeling you had and remember that it is possible. some just don’t know how to. Every relationship and friendship started somewhere. That just doesn’t go away, unless you are just so shut off and cold.

Finding that spark again, that thing that brought you two together is and always will be there. It doesn’t have to be something deep but can be as simple as something said or as deep as something felt. That is always there in relationships or friendships that work for years, even if they fell apart at some point. It’s not for all because all are not that in tune with themselves. Those are the ones that hop, skip, and jump around.

With all of that, all I am trying to say is kind of like that saying “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but will be green where you water it.” Everything takes work but you have to both be truly in it and honestly open to doing the work together because it is possible.

Everything around me

After a breakup, some not all, tend to see their ex in everything and everywhere you go. Hi! I am one of them. I can’t help it. Especially after this last relationship. I mean 8 years. That is a long time and a lot of memories made in so many places. Along with all of the places and things I wanted to do.

From the smallest to the biggest memories. From our first date, our first shopping trip, to the first time I saw them again. Let me give you just a bit of background on us. I first met her at a house party at my friend’s house. I saw her and instantly my heart melted. Well, that night we met but didn’t work out for me. That was the first and last I had seen her for many years. I never forgot her and then many years later and being friends on Facebook, she saw I was hiring and was going through some stuff at her salon. She reached out and I felt it all over again. The first time I saw her was at the Starbucks in Safeway behind my salon. She was attending a class I was having and holy crap. I was done for. If you ask me we have a true love story. There is a lot more to our story but that would honestly turn in to a book.

Now I have 8 years of memories with someone that I never even thought I had a chance with. So back to the point. I am someone that holds on to memories, super tight. I have the memory like no other. Every little thing reminds me.

Smells, moments in the car, when I lay down, when I get up, my clothes, shoes, things in my house, restaurants, shops, and so many other locations. You get the point. Everything was so different and new, and exciting. I was mentally just capturing everything I could. I wanted to cherish everything with her.

I try not to let it get me down but rather put a smile on my face. I know the ups go with the downs and the lefts go with the rights. I just try to do my best to get myself through the day when my mind wanders. Remember, I am an over thinker. So it is a constant battle.

I am not in a place nor will I probably ever be in one to just erase or get rid of things or try to replace them because nothing can nor will replace all the things good and bad that I hold on to and remember. Some comforting and some uncomfortable but all a piece of me.

What’s left behind..

There are days I feel like I am going crazy. I am a self diagnosed over thinker. All I do is think. With or without distractions, all I do is think. Trying to understand why things happen, how could I have changed the outcome, or how do I move on from here.

Being left with questions. So many questions and also knowing that what’s being said is not true. Not having any control of the dialogue is frustrating. I know the truth and my truth but some people have to dominate over things because they need to justify why they are doing what they are knowing they didn’t do right.

Staying silent when that’s all I felt when together as well is can be so paralyzing. I have never dealt with someone like this. It keeps me feeling trapped and stuck because it’s not right. Knowing that no one will ever really know the damage that they caused over the last eight years and know that they haven’t and will never take responsibility for it.

This turned out the way it did because they brought us here. Every cause had an affect and that was caused by them yet they will never see that and just keep going about life doing the same thing. There are people out there that it won’t even phase and well that’s because they won’t care, and really not care like I did.

Now as we know and I have said before, I am not perfect never have been. I can be bratty when I feel let down, I can shut down when I feel beaten, and I can get distant when I feel like a burden or am just tired of dealing. But all of those things, feelings happened because of what has been done to me and the things we went through.

We went through A LOT! If I listed everything and I mean everything I know you would wonder why I stayed and why I kept by. But let me tell you, because I believe in people. I see the good, whether glimpses or more. Everyone deserves someone to believe in them, give them trust, give them safety, loyalty, and love. I want to be there and make peoples lives better but in that I lost myself.

I became scared, and insecure and so worried about all the what if’s. But like I said if you all knew what we, them, and me went through and stuck by, you would know.

And now what’s left behind is all the holes, worry, and what if’s. All I hope is that one day, if ever they will see the damage left behind and not want that for anyone anymore. I also hope that their new life will give them someone that will see them, want to protect them, and want the actual best for them. Not fuel the fire in them like their past.

My light might have dimmed because of the things, but when you keep unplugging the lamp and forgetting to plug back in it makes it hard to see things clearly. My love, my caring, my wanting them to be safe and well will never leave. Once someone has me in their life I will always be there.

Now many have told me not to and to let them fall or whatever but falling is something we all do but not all have someone to catch, carry, or pick up, and no matter what or how long in between with anyone in my life I will be there. That’s who I will always be.

Let’s talk WORDS

Something that has been said to me recently has made a huge, HUGE change in my whole thought process. My friend first asked and made time for me to check in and see how I was, which “Quality time” is my number 1 love language, just so you know. But back to what they said. She said “That the words that you say after you say them are no longer yours and now the persons you said it to.”

Since that day, that has been on constant replay in my head before I do anything. In any situation I have been in since, I have made sure that I have thought about how, when, why, and what I say to everyone. I am guilty of not always saying the right thing because of the certain moments, or hoping for a certain reaction, but no longer.

I will say what I want, need, and have to say but know that I have thought about it first. I will slip up because I am human but 99.9% of the time I will make sure that my words will be intentional and as clear as it can be. Every situation will be different and so will the thought process. Sometimes I might not say anything because it’s just not needed or I have not processed my thoughts yet.

I am someone that wants to speak love, kindness, and my truth. Again I will mess up sometimes but I will always try my best. Thinking before we speak or knowing when we shouldn’t is huge. A lot of people will think that what they say and how they say it is either helpful or them being honest.

Real honesty comes from ourselves, anything else is just their opinion. Again there will be people in your life that you will hold high enough to allow their opinion because you know what they are saying has been thought about. Let that in. Hold that high. Listen to them and know that their actual intentions are well, because not everyone’s is.

Words are powerful, we know this. And we hold value to the words of the people we hold value to. Now that I think about it the words we say to ourselves are just as powerful if we value ourselves. Not everyone values them self, again I am guilty of that as well. I know I need to be better and I try to do better each day.

So let’s challenge ourselves to remember that whether to people or just to us, the words we say are no longer ours but the persons we same them to. Lets lead with well intentions and love when we speak.

Different kind of feeling

8 years I gave all I could. I stood by their side. I fought for them and their well being. I wanted to help water all the potential they have. I don’t regret one but. I have lost friends and have been questioned many times.

Everyone deserves that one person that looks at them and sees all that they are and can be. Everyone deserves to have someone that wants nothing but happiness and has their best intentions for them. To see someone in their darkest and lightest is the most beautiful thing. To know them so well sometimes better than they know their self.

Love is not always shared equally and 100% is not always given at the same time, but no matter love is what guides. And yes love can conquer. I am a romantic. I am someone that believes in love stories no matter the outcome. There are times that things fall apart but love is what gets you through it again no matter the outcome.

I have been broken many times in my life but I have always lead with love and compassion no matter the situation. Now yes I have had some crazy moments in my young love times, but I have learned so many things along the way. Now I am not going to lie I am in a deep hurt and confusion right now in my love journey, but no mater what love will never leave.

I heard a quote that you can’t be either a lover or a fighter. A lover is a fighter and that is me. I fight every day to get through the days, to keep going, and moving along. I have to. I don’t have a choice. I have been given this opportunity to live the way I do. Yes it doesn’t always turn out with butterflies and roses but I know that nothing does. Loving someone is a choice and a way of life.

My life is lead with love with everyone and everything I do. This time around I am still choosing love because I believe in it. This world is cold and dark and if I can be someone’s light and am so lucky to find someone that I can give love, strength, confidence, loyalty, and commitment to I want to be that.

Who knows what will happen in the end of things and I am trying really hard to get through the heartbreak I am right now. I have to believe love is out there and no matter what the situation I will always be there and a safe place and space for those in or coming through my life because everyone deserves that but won’t always find it.

My whole life

For as long as I can remember I wanted to me a parent and or an example to the kids closest to me. I have been blessed with many Godchildren that no matter the distance or the time in between would keep me from being there if they needed anything. As we know in 2007 I was blessed with my own child. My world, my heart, my soul, and everything I do is hers.

When she was first born my worries were so different than they are now for her. Some still the same but the different milestones and times in life bring a whole new wave of concerns, hopes, and wants and hopes for her. When she was a baby it was keeping her alive, when she was a toddler it was keeping her safe, when she went to school it was teaching her to be kind and confident, in middle school it was making good choices and knowing there were consequences along with still wanting her to be confident and proud, and now in high school it is a whole different world.

In our life together we have been through some things and most of them we got through it together and I was still looked upon for safety and guidance. I know things are not at all the same for her that they were for me when I was a kid. Although they might be different in the times, there are and will be some of the same struggles. Me as a parent in 2022 is so different than my parents in 1996.

I know I say and feel this daily but I waited my whole life for her, for these and all the moments too makes and be apart of. I consciously try to direct myself either the way my parents and friends did or don’t do. All I want is to be a part of her life. I want to celebrate the big and little things, I want to talk about the small and big challenges. Now don’t get me wrong I know I can’t and won’t be in all of them but I want to be.

I am about to be real vulnerable right now and that is hard because for me I don’t always have a safety net to catch me while I hurt and try to get through things so here I go. For the last two years I have really, REALLY been struggling in so many ways. I will stay focused on my biggest situation though and that is my relationship with my daughter.

My biggest fear as a mother and well as a mother of a daughter with two moms. Although we made sure to be involved and present in her younger years and try to raise her with confidence and realizing that we are not different from other families, she is the only one to decide how to allow kids, people, and her own feelings to control any way she feels.

If I am being honest people can suck. People don’t like or care for things they don’t understand more than they are open and accepting to them. Hurt people hurt people. I can say all the things and looking at how this world is these days you would think that having two moms, two dads, one parent, no parent, and so on would not be such a challenge theses days, but again this world still reacts before it thinks.

Now please know this is all just my feelings and perception on things (just putting my disclaimer out there). I am thankful to have a ex that hears me and tries to help me but if I am still being honest and vulnerable my ex is now with a man and has changed some dynamics. Don’t get me wrong he is great and I am so happy for her and he allows us to be exactly what we are to each other and that is so refreshing compared to her ex, but, yes I said but a whole new bunch of challenge has come up for me. So not only have I felt a pull away from my daughter, half of her life now looks “worldly accepted.” Now I say that because we all know most all people don’t question or dislike and man and a woman together, so now and again this is just me but as a kid there is nothing to be embarrassed about, but then there is me still. Where do I fit in?

Now granted most of my life I have felt that way in every situation but this one is and has really been making me question my whole life. I know you might think that is dramatic, but I love being a mom and being my daughters mom but if I am being 100% transparent my purpose has and is being challenged. I am not trying to be dramatic at all but something has changed between me and my teen and I am not sure when and why. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to her because she does not receive things the same. I feel like I am and will be judged by her instead of heard. Recently her relationship with her other mom has, I feel, gotten closer and the bond we used to have is no longer there. I am looked passed, sometimes not acknowledged, not embraced and our special little connection has flipped.

I try to understand and educate myself, but let’s be real no book or advice out there will be exactly what I am feeling or answer my questions and concerns. I mostly get from people I talk to is that, she will appreciate it when she gets older, she will see what she was given when she has kids, she will realize things when she doesn’t have it anymore, but I don’t want to give so much slack that I loose opportunities to reel her in just a bit.

As an adult, when I look back at my childhood, I recognize and remember the challenges with my parents and the situations and challenges we had were totally different. I didn’t have divorced parents, I had a sibling, and our struggles weren’t the same but we had them. Even though we did what I remember is that my parents always showed up. They were at all my sports, concerts, and involved in my school. For that I am so thankful and now even as an adult they still show up not only for me but for my daughter. One of my biggest take aways from childhood was that and that is what I have made important in my motherhood journey. She doesn’t always acknowledge me at places, or hug me like she means it, holds my hand, or is silly with me when we are alone but I hope that she will remember that I was always there and showed up for everything and cheered for her whether it was cool or not.

I know the teenage years are hard and I am sure with social media and all the influences around our kids these days might think we can’t relate but I don’t feel that is true. Like I said earlier I am sure I am just having all of these feelings and maybe my daughter is having questions but doesn’t know how to ask me. I know she has always been careful to hurt my feelings and very conscious about it but little does she know they are hurting now and I don’t feel seen. I know it is usually the other way.

When we decided to have her it was thought out and understood our life would be about and worked around her. Now no we didn’t plan on divorcing but things happen and changed but the only thing that did not was that she is our number one priority and that is what it is and has been. She is my life, she always has been my life and will always be that. I will work my schedule and day around her because I can and have that luxury. I get get every other week and when I do my week is based around her.

This year will be my last year to drive her to school and pick her up. This year there will be events, and parties, and new hangs with people and I am here for it, I just hope she knows that. I get she is a kid. I get that she is changing and going through things. I get she might think I don’t get it but I do. I know she won’t tell me everything but I don’t want it to be because she doesn’t think I care or that she can’t. I am not her friend but I am her safe place no matter what. I am not here to judge her or say no. I am here to let her know that I love her and know she is human and has a right to choose whatever she does.

I have up to this point done and said and advised and educated all I can for most things, but I will never stop being her number one fan and wanting to be part of her journey however she will allow me. She makes me so proud with school and cheer. I just hope she knows that and that its not not cool to be nice to your parents and say hi.

The value of understanding

I don’t ever remember as a child talking about having kids or even talking about being a kid. Like “I know things are hard” or “Help me try to understand, because it was different when I was young”. I have a 14 year old almost 15 and I am watching the changes. My daughter has two moms and we are COMPLETE opposites. Our daughter is a perfect mix of both of us though. We have been divorced for 12 years but have worked on coparenting the best we can.

My daughter goes back and forth to each other houses every week and has since kindergarten. I have noticed as she has gotten old while somethings have stayed consistent, some things have gotten, I guess you can say frustrating. She packs a small suitcase, a bag, her backpack, and cheer bag. Her clothes situation used to be a lot easier when she saw little, but as she has gotten older they are more expensive so can’t easily be duplicated and is always changing, so it is hard to keep up with.

Now don’t get me wrong I know she can’t stay the little girl that would hold my hand, cuddle me while she slept, think about me all the time and tell me, or want to be with my all the time. But can I try to keep her soft to people, think kindly first before judging, not compare herself to other girls, and teach her to understand that having standards and expectations are a good thing not always a let down. I have always wanted to be a parent and a mentor to kids. Being a kid is tough and even harder now with phones, movies, and just life in general.

I know the out of her moms I am known as the no mom, but I have really tried hard these last few years to be a yes parent with understanding. I want her to have friends and have fun and do things, I really do. I also want to know that she will make the right decisions in hard situations even after a bad decision might have been made. I do NOT want to be her friend I WANT to be her parent that she knows she is safe with and knows that she can mess up and that’s ok.

We do not ask much of her. I feel like we has raised her to be self-sufficient and has always been a helper. I try to do all the things. I am on Instagram, Pinterest, and google to try to continue to educate myself and grow as a parent. I have been creating a play book of parenting for years and I am running out of plays and the teams are harder to beat.

She is my world. She is everything I have ever wanted and every little thing she does gives me the feels. If she freaking rocks it at a cheer I am tearing up. I know it’s like come on Breanna. But she is my world and I just want to enjoy and root her on for everything. I know she has and will make mistakes and that’s fine, I have a ton of my own, but I don’t want her to be alone if she does and or rely on a friend. I want her to keep growing up, I just want her to let me be a part of it.

We won’t have this for ever and it will for ever be changing, I know. I just wish that as hard as they think their life is and how we can’t understand, I wish they understood we are going through the same growing pains and ask for patience. Please don’t take moments and milestones from us because you think you are too cool for school. I want us to be able to look back and remember those things and times together.

Being a parent to me is my most important job and the one that matters the most. IT is the foundation for everything else I did, do , and will do. I want to be able to pass that on to her, the importance of family, love, support, understanding, and that it won’t always be easy but worth it.

“2020”

I don’t even know where to start for this year. I have had many times I wanted to write but I didn’t want to sound super negative but well here I finally am not caring and sharing. I couldn’t even come up with a quote. COVID-19 backward is DIVOC “what DIVOC?”

I feel like I can honestly say that this year was one of the worst with the personal and worldly loss and struggles that were and are still hard to deal with. Notification after notification of people passing, the President doing something, the Governor saying something, violent act after violent act, businesses burglarized, protests, silent protests, I mean the list can go on.

I have a lot of friends that were affected by it but personally, my business was shut down twice for months at a time, fought with EDD, my home was shaken so much that at the end of shut down I am now living on my own, I lost my grandmother, struggling to make ends meet, no school for kids for a few months, then to online school, nothing open, always be limited, and again the list can go on.

If someone asked me how I would describe this year it would be “Control lost and taken.” I lost all control of this year from work to home life. I am now here sitting alone at my table figuring out how to just share my thoughts. The only thing I can control is my thoughts, and well to be honest those have sucked as well. I am nowhere near where I thought I could be at this time of year.

My business moved in June and am still trying to get that groove going and since everyone has had months to work life out differently, I am as well having to work on how my salon functions differently. I do love my new location and always love my team, but am having a hard time trying to support and provide like I have. I am so lucky to love what I do. It was really hard to not be able to see my clients and friends. The stress of losing clients and business was high on the list, but there was nothing I could do. I am thankful to be back and cutting and catching up with my clients new and old.

We are now in freaking October of 2020 and am now trying to build back up my business, help my friends and stylists, getting situated in a place I was not expecting to be, and living alone again, dreading even thinking about getting ready for the holidays and traveling. I know, I know I control my thoughts of how it can all go and well that’s why I am here and trying to get back on a track of forward-thinking. This year has rocked my positivity but I plan and trying my darnedest to end this crap 2020 with hope, light, and trust that there is a bigger and better plan.

I am thankful for my family and friends that have continued to check in on me and support not only me but my business. So far the takeaway for this year is keep on trucking. Although I have lost any control I thought I had of many situations this year, I will regain control of my mindset. Keep your heart kind and your mind open. With all the dispare this year please remember everyone is going through something.