I know I start this out this way a lot, but it has been a while since I have written. In March of 2020 the world was put on a mandatory SIP (Stay in place). In the fall of 2019, a new flu virus started going around called COVID-19. There is a lot of unknown information about is all such as, when it really started, how it started, who started it, and was it started on purpose.

When it started in March officially schools closed and business had to shut down. My girlfriend and I together have four children, the oldest a jr. in high school and the youngest a kindergartner in between two middle schoolers. For the first month while the schools figured everything out there was no school until after spring break. It was chaos and as if summer came too soon. By the time school was to try and get started back up, by the way school was from home, it was already hard to get the kids up and no way they would start some sort of a routine. Along with school being from home my girlfriend and I where now both out of work. I had to close my salon and the owner of hers did the same.

Now I am not going to lie after about a month and a half off of doing nothing and going crazy at home with everyone I went back to work doing only 3 clients a few days for literally 3 hours. I spread them apart and gave space. My salon is my lively hood and for my job and freedom to be taken was too much. Living in the unknown with no money coming in, not being able to do the things that I like, even as simple going to lunch, coffee, and freaking Michaels for my crafts.

All of the kids graduating, don’t get to walk. The kids promoting 5th, 8th, and kindergarten get nothing. Summer programs being reworked for kids to do at home. Vacations being canceled, and now we don’t even know what school will be like for kids this coming year. I mean anything can change, but one thing that has most definitely changed is our way of life.

May 29th, 2020 salons were finally able to open back up. The feeling of relief for me and my fellow stylist was overwhelming. On May 25th the arresting and passing of another man of color named George Floyd by white police officers brought about riots, protests, and even looting. Now I have been around for a while and have seen some life and world changing things, but actually being a part of it and being an adult with my own child that will some day talk about it hit differently.

All of this has brought so much awareness to me and shed light on the world yet again that changes need to be made. Now I know we all have our feels in these situations and I have heard so many from different types of people for months now. The fact is change needs to happen and I believe it has to do with the systems that run this world and country.

As an owner of a business and someone who has watched my family run business the two consistent changes that happen are from the leaders and how they run things (their systems). When something doesn’t work in my salon or at home the first thing I examine is myself first and then the people I am working or doing life with. Change has to happen, it is growth good or bad but it needs to happen. I was talking to a client this last week and I used the word evolve. Now I use this word and so many others very carefully because people are so sensitive. We have been, will be, and need to be evolving continuously in this world and personally. Life is about learning and changing.

I have never been a huge fan of change but I would say in the last 5 years I have had to learn to understand people are different and that life is always changing. Now don’t get me wrong there should be a safe zone or a point that you find you are in a good place and pace to grow in different ways.

Through it all big, small, comfortable, uncomfortable, publicly, privately, personally, together, world-changing, life-changing, in your control, or out of your control, chose to be kind through it all, to yourself and others. It is easy to react without thinking but maybe try thinking before you react.

It has been way too long since I have written here. I have started drafts but this one will be post worthy. I don’t know if I would call myself an artist but I am definitely one to be creative and crafty. With that I have been trying to find a word, a creative word, that would describe my passion and purpose.

More then often I let myself get defeated by the negativity that can surround me and in the world. I let it take my joy and question my ability. Being human I look for acceptance and praise in the things I do. I mean who doesn’t. We all want our friends and loved ones to be proud of us and support us. Let me real quick be clear. I don’t really like attention but I do like acknowledgment and support.

I love to use my hands to be creative. Whether cutting hair, drawing, crafting, playing music, writing or working hard I put the same amount of self in each. I feel like I have a lot to share in this world and with that, it is essential to surround yourself with people that encourage creativity and help push your flow. There is so much darkness and ugliness in this world that we have to support the ones we love and encourage them to do and be their best.

I love to write it helps me understand myself. As my thoughts are coming out it helps me to slowly make wipe away the nonsense and see clearly what I am feeling and wanting. What I write will consist of my life and well hello my life is not perfect but could be relatable. It will consist of the people I work alongside, live with, love, and my family and friends. That’s my life, that’s my experiences, that’s my happy, and that’s my tough sometimes. I am tired of being held back because I am worried about how people will feel. This is about how I feel, it’s my blog.

One of the biggest challenges you will run into when you do everything from your heart is that not everyone will believe it, embrace it, or accept it. They will question you, will will call you a fake, or unoriginal. Those who do that are the issue, not you. Not everyone is going to be for you but there will be one. Don’t be afraid to do the things that you love or try something new. Try something you have always been interested in. Whatever you do go full in you will never be disappointed.

Expressing ourselves can be the hardest and most scariest things. Whether you’re telling someone you love them or telling someone you’re hurting, the fear of rejection or being unsympathetic is huge. Hoping that they will love you back or tell you it will be ok can for some can make or break the spirit.

For many, including myself, we keep it inside too afraid of not being understood or even been made fun of. There has been many times I have expressed my feelings and was made to feel stupid or ashamed. It’s a terrible feeling. I believe we get feelings because of a cause and affect. Whether good or bad something brings up a feeling.

This year I feel like there has been a pretty equal push and pull of feelings shown. People have been more well, ballsy about standing up and standing out. With that comes a huge risk, but I think people are just so tired of feeling held back, especially this year. Starting with, honestly having our rights taken from us. Kids, no school, people no work, loosing jobs, business owners having their lively hood taken, I mean and then being told we have to wear a freaking mask on our faces.

A huge fear of mine use to be and still is with how messed up times are in people not liking the way I look, but now I am afraid to cough and sneeze in public. People are crazy!! The looks they give and the things said, I am literally sitting here laughing about it.

I know this year has been and still is crazy but in my whole adult life I think this has been the most action packed year of loss and chaos, fear and cheer, and fights and rights. I am not by any means a loud and proud person but I have my moments. I usually will keep to myself about big issues like politics and religion, I am more of a stand up for people and be kind kind-of gal. I feel like understanding and respecting goes way further than debating and demeaning.

We all have our feelings and have a right to stand up for what we believe, but I think we have lost sight on how to be. This year has shown me that I need to go back to the basics my parents taught me as a child. Be nice, be respectful, love all, cover my mouth, wash my hands, respect my elders, and sit nicely. And yeah the biggest one, if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.

This year is coming to an end and I have wasted more than I am ok with on doubt, hurt and disappointment. I have control of my day and life no matter what is thrown at me. Yes some days can and will be harder than others but I still have control over those and how I will let them get to me. It’s ok to feel, it’s ok to express how you feel, and it’s ok to be scared to express it, but do it. Show it or say it how you feel comfortable. Speak it, text it, write it, sing it, dance it, or even close your eyes and breathe it. Let it out and let it go, release it some how in whatever way feels right. There is always someone that is listening and that will understand.

Heavy-hearted is what I feel when I am carrying feelings and emotions I wish I could share or take away from someone. This last year I have had a yearning to want to be working at my full potential. Meaning I know I am #madeformore and I just feel like I want more. I want to give more, I want to help more, I want to serve more, I want to create more, I want to love more. As I get older and have kids it’s really hard to see this world and how it affects everyone. I want so much for everyone and everything, but I just get so bummed watching the news or even just talking to people. There is so much sadness and it breaks my heart.

I see these kids taking their own lives and I break. I was a kid once and I feel like I can help. I feel like I want to listen and just hold them. I have felt the feeling of being alone, misunderstood, and unwanted. $h!t I even feel that as an adult sometimes daily. Kids are still mean and um hello those mean kids when I was little grew up and well didn’t change.

I deal with bullies daily. I try to keep my head higher and stay strong but I break some days. I never want my kid or kids to feel what I do. I want to raise her and them to be strong but it’s hard. Each child is different and I struggle. I am a sensitive person and well it might not be healthy but tend to shut down when I feel attacked or misunderstood. I want to share all that I have. I want to spread more love and encouragement in this world.

It is scary to think that life at every and any moment can change. When I was younger we didn’t know when it could or would happen, but kids these days have every and any alert and notification at their fingertips. These days we are watching people on social media killing, causing accidents, getting in fights, doing drugs, and bullying all right in front of our face. Kids are being bought and sold at the mall, attacked and killed at school, watching people in pain kill themselves on these platforms that were created in hopes of growth. I know this crap is heavy but this is all the trash and sadness we might be watching our kids or kids we know do on our phones, or computers, or iPads.

I try to teach my daughter if you want to see a change you have to be change. I might not be all the changes I want to be in every aspect but I sure as hell know how to change my thoughts and I sure as hell want to see a change in this world. I believe it starts with us. I am not political out loud nor religious unless I feel I am safe to be, and in most places I don’t. I know and practice in my daily that other people’s opinions don’t matter when it comes to me and mine but I have to remember that as well. So when people say “guns don’t kill people,” duh the people behind the guns do. In order to have a surgery, get married, sometimes get divorced, you have to do counseling yet you don’t have to do crap to buy a gun.

I could go on and on but I will try to contain myself because again it is only my opinion. My point in everything is if we worried more about working on people and their hearts and lives this world could change. If we change our thoughts we can change our lives. We need to feed more positivity, we need more hope. There was a video going around on of course the internet of a coach catching a student with a gun getting ready to take lives and you know how he got that avoided? He hugged him. He embraced him. He told him that he didn’t need to do that. That he was worthy. That coach showed hope and saved lives. A kid at my daughter’s school shows up to fight and possibly have a weapon and the next thing you see is the Principle run across and tackle him. YES YES YES. a cracked rib in place of a life I will take.

Inventory needs to be taken at home and in the workplace of who and what you are surrounding yourself with. Are the people in our lives lifting and spreading good or belittling and breaking people? Are the things we are watching and reading making us better or bitter? Are we teaching and showing our kids that being nice will always be better? Are we involving ourselves in their lives or allowing them to shut the door and engage in whatever? Raising kids these days with all of the outside influences is very hard. We are not the only thing leading them a lot of the time we aren’t even the ones that are even close to leading and teaching.

I don’t want to settle for who is in my life anymore. Young or old. As I have gotten older I have close to no friends and close to never get invited or go out. Sometimes I get bothered by it and sometimes I am glad I am at a different place in my life. I want to surround myself with like people but also people that are doing better than me, smarter than me, stronger than me, kinder than me, and want more than me because those people will push me to be better. I want to be able to have an intelligent conversation and then get silly on a game. I don’t and can’t be blind to the world but I want to surround myself with people that won’t let me think about it but I know would have my back. I want to be able to go to the people in my life and be able to ask advice without judgment but have an understanding. I just want to influence and hopefully show a better option and choice in life.

I know it has been a while. Life has well… been consistently inconsistent. With kids, sports, moving, and only one car, well it has been crazy. But I never stop thinking about wanting to be here and expressing.

So starting October, it is the last 90 days of the year and this is the second year I have participated in being focused on being intentional as I end the year, so when the new year comes I am already ahead of the game. There are these amazing people I follow on social media named Rachel and Dave Hollis and they are just amazing. They do a daily live feed Monday through Friday and starting October, they do the last 90 day challenge. Every week they have a focus topic and well this last week was a great one, Habits.

I think it is fair to say habits can make or break us. Habits shape who we are, and who and how we will be in life. Habits are something that can be passed down, learned, shown, or created. They are simply categorized, I believe, either good or bad, positive or negative.

I am and try hard to be aware of my habits and how they came about. I know I acquired a bunch both good and bad from my parents. I know that when I would hang around certain friends I would gain some of theirs and last depending on my mood and state of being, I would form bad ones if sad or in a hard place or good ones, if I was happy and on point.

Habits are a choice. For me personally, I need to create habits to help me function. I am a creature of habit and I like it most of the time and people in my life know I am, so they know how to work with me. For kids, I think habits are a must from a super young age.

I believe, because I have experienced it, that starting positive habits and routines when young, will help set up for success at older ages and help with adjusting to different things in life. There are some habits you can take everywhere with you that give you a sense of peace and familiarity in a different surrounding. Also teaching how to create good habits at a young age helps them and us to know how and where to start when wanting to achieve things in life. We will know what works, and what doesn’t work for positive growth.

I try as an adult and parent to practice and preach good habits. My daughter was brought up in both homes with habits. With my step kids I try to suggest things I have found work well and might help with flow and growth. Whether myself, or the people around me practice positive habits is really up to ourselves.

If we as parents, to our kids, to our community can create good positive habits that we can all practice with each other can you imagine the kindness that can bloom? Practicing good, positive, or productive habits are going to set all ages up for success in a chaotic world. I strive to create positive habits and lead by example for my kids. Habits ground me they give me a sense of content and comfort. Find what works for you and pass it on, but remember whether good or bad our kids and people around us are watching.

Let’s talk relationships. Relationships are like, ice cream flavors, or directions to a location, or even as simple as people. The point being, so many different kinds. They come in different shapes and sizes. There is a different kind of relationship for everyone and not everyone is going to understand it.

What makes a good relationship? Now remember these are just my thoughts but a good relationship takes work on both ends. It is a give and take, talking and listening, and questioning and understanding kind of thing. What we don’t understand, we tend to not like, and I feel that unless there is an actual reason to either feel maybe it is not a good thing for a friend, or loved one how do we trust and or get past what might not make us feel right?

Something you might not know about me is that I am a relationship person. Meaning that I love having to give, take, talk, listen, question and understand. But with that also comes having good intentions for their well being and connecting with people. I have always been like that. Everyone in my family are “people” people, we care and we connect.

The definition of relationship is: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, to the state of being connected; the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.

I have many different scenarios such as friends, co-workers, family, mentors, kids, partner and ex-wife. Besides my family and co-workers the two most constantly active ones to me are my partner and my ex-wife. I have been with my current partner for about 4 years and divorced from my ex for almost 10. Both take work and both deserve respect but are not to be compared.

There are a lot of people that don’t understand how I can or am so close to my ex wife these days and the reason they don’t is because they weren’t part of the journey. It was more ugly than anyone knows and it took a ton of work and forgiveness to get there. She is remarried and has been with her current partner for almost 9 years. The biggest reason we are good is because we share a daughter and well, she is what matters. Now not all divorcees can or will get along because every circumstance is different and should be treated that way. I know people that have divorced because of good, bad, and really ugly reasons. I have always thought it was really cool to see the people I know that are divorced all together because they all moved past the hurt and disappointment. When I would see new couples going to events with their exes I always thought man that’s cool. Years of counseling, a lot of bad words exchanged, and then that final moment when you stop and think “Let it go!” is when it finally happened. Everything happens for a reason and it is out of my control. I only dealt with what I could control.

My partner and her ex-husband are not at the same place. Their journey and work is not the same and it should be treated accordingly. He, to me, is not a nice guy. If I am going to be real and well, that’s what this is for, it is better when they do not talk. He doesn’t help with the kids and the way he talks is just very demeaning and I am not a fan. It doesn’t help involving him and even if he was informed, he just doesn’t show up for anyone but himself. Since the beginning, I have always felt like I have had to compensate for his absence and lack of involvement. I do the hard work and he gets all the credit.

Every relationship is not to be compared especially my partners to mine. I don’t think people go in to marriages or relationships and have kids to just get divorced. These kids didn’t ask to be brought in to this world. I have seen personally that depending on how you react to and handle things can have a very traumatic reaction.

Our kids are watching us and if the choice to leave something toxic then they need to see us continue to keep the things that weren’t good out. If we left something because of hurt or even that of a mutual agreement, then still our kids need to see something positive come out of it.

The relationship I have with my daughters other mother, like I said, wasn’t always what it is now. It literally took years to get to a point where we genuinely wanted the best for each other and knew that the only way to achieve that was to understand that our daughter came first and from that grew a friendship. I totally get that people won’t understand or maybe even like the fact that we are so close now, but I don’t care. It is what’s best for my daughter and just life in general. Its so nice being able to modify our schedule or ask for help when I need it because there is team work.

Being with a partner that has the total opposite with her ex is hard. He doesn’t help in any way. He speaks very derogatory in front of the kids about us and even to us. He only has care when he wants to try to look good or something. He periodically tries to manipulate and get to her with what he says. It really sucks when I am over here giving my all in every way and the appreciation gets wrongly directed. There is no team work which I don’t think there ever could be. He never really helped when they were together.

Because I am so close to my ex, there are times that my current partner gets insecure and angry. I have and try to be 100% open and honest with her because the team we are trying to build is very important to me. Our team work will make Our dream work. Her feeling secure and safe with the relationship and relationships I have or will have is number one.

In conclusion, team work in all aspects of your life will make the dream work. Success is built not by one, but many. What makes your dream work? Are you one that believes changes are good? Is it easy or hard for you to eliminate and decide what is best for you?

Post after post after post of kidnappings, mass shootings, car crashes, sex trafficking and the list goes on. Raising kids is hard enough with all the social media and cyberbullying, and now to be worried that if our kid goes to the mall or to a waterpark without a gun being brought or being approached by someone that has ill intentions.

I don’t want to be super paranoid or overly protective to the point that my daughter can’t do anything, but I will be damned if I don’t wait or teach her to be conscious of her surroundings and have a little of a bad gut feeling just so she is aware. How do we teach our kids as they grow and keep hitting new milestones to be responsible and make good choices whether they are in control or just along for the ride?

I am not that old but I do find myself using more and more “back when I was younger,” but man are things so much different. Although I was not the typical girly girl, fun was just different and not such a competition. I played outside, road bikes, swam, and just hung out. The amount of distractions, comparison, and competition just weren’t there. Kids these days are worried about how many likes they get or views. It is all about what people think and how much they care.

How do we teach, advise, and even show how to make aware to our children the dangers in life and new responsibilities, such as driving, staying out late, going to friends, and going places alone? The Laws with driving and curfew are there for a reason. Not driving with friends when you first get your license so your not distracted and having to be home at a reasonable time for safety reason isn’t really that much to ask for for a short period of time, to teach them to focus and be aware of their surroundings. I remember being young and wanting to be older but now as a parent, I wish they trusted us when we say don’t be in a rush to grow up.

We watch our kids grow along with the world changing. All the new technology, newest trends, and evolving music dialect is really hard to keep up with. Everything through adult eyes of the way the world is is pretty disappointing. I don’t know how my parents did it, but we definitely aren’t living in the world our parents prepared us for.

Teaching our kids to not compare themselves, not ask for approval, and to be safe means that we have to live as an example. I know I am guilty of comparing my life to others, worrying about what other people think, and not always making the right decision in some instances. I am not perfect and I know that our kids aren’t either but it sure is hard to really know if your kids are prepared for what this world has going on.

Is there really any way to make sure our kids will be ready and knowledgable for what they might run in to these days? How do we make sure they know how to react to a crazy person opening fire in their school, mall, concert, or movie theater? How do we make sure our kids know how to react if a kid comes up to them and says they want to be their friend but really is working for a gang leader or someone wanting to sell them? These sound like ridiculous questions right, I mean listen to how sad that is. Every time I drop my daughter off at school or take her somewhere or even just drop her off at her other mom’s house I say goodbye to her and tell her how much I love her just in case something happens. Is this how our parents felt?

I will always worry, I will always want to protect, and I will always want and hope she makes the right choice and will encourage her friends to as well. Educating our kids on how to decide what feels right and what might not be the best choice is all we can do. I play a game called “Would you rather” with our little guy a lot and maybe it’s time to play that with “For instance would you rather” in real-life scenarios.

I just want to start with parenting is hard plain and simple. These days even having things uncommon with your kid other than sitting on your phones together in the same spot it is hard. When I think of quality time, I don’t see it as sitting next to or in the same room on our phones, not talking, and not even making eye contact. I know we can’t always have something to talk about and a lot of the times the conversations between us are hard because we just aren’t the same, but we have to find something.

I am 37, an adult, a parent, have lived a life, have learned, taught, and have my own opinions for myself. There are just some things I know more, better, and am right about. When I talk to my 12 year old about like dates or things that happened, some of which she wasn’t even there, turns in to a “Im right, your wrong” battle. Sometimes I wonder what I was like that when I was her age.

Kids think they know everything all the time. When I remind or ask something to one of the kids a lot of the times I get,” I know.” Oh you know, you know what I didn’t ask if you knew. It cracks me up some times and others I am like oh ok you know then I don’t need to speak anymore. What is it a good age to also teach your children that their opinions matter but they aren’t everyones and respect should be given? I mean, where is the book for that? Where is the advice for that milestone?

Trying to figure out and understand what is popular for kids these days is mind blowing. They can sit for hours and just watch adults and other kids play either games or play with toys. It is really creepy when adults are playing with the toys. The voices just make me uncomfortable. Thats what the little guy does is just listens to guys play games or like a puppet do bad things. He doesn’t play with toys or outside or get dirty, I mean at our house at least. He is either on a phone, iPad, or video game. It is so hard to get him to color or really do anything else. He will only do it if the batteries are dead on everything else.

Let’s talk about talking to teenagers. Now this for me is hard because of the hot and cold. One minute everything is chill and going smooth, and then you say one thing they don’t like and watch out for the wrath of the attitude. If you try to joke with them or even repeat something they said, prepare to be shut down. They are right, they know everything, It’s their life, and they don’t need anyone. I have a really hard time continuously holding a conversation about anything with our teen. She gets defensive so quick and confrontational. The other day, she had brought up a subject and of course it can only be her way and all I said was, not everyone is going to see it your way and you have to respect that and know how to direct a conversation another way. Man oh man did I open a can of worms. This my friends, is going to be hard for me. The people you follow and the internet aren’t always right my dear, no matter how many hours you spend on it.

I don’t understand, the snapchat streaks, the silly pointless photos sent back and forth all freaking day, why they can only chat through instagram or snapchat and not text, or face timing for hours but actually watching youtube. At the moment we live in an apartment, but I think even if we were in a house I am not sure they would play outside. I mean, I know I want to be outside and using my hands.

I know I am guilty of being on my phone but I know how to put it down and converse or engage with whatever is going on around me. I mean, they are also so used to being inside that if we go do something that is not air conditioned, is doesn’t last long and I dread it so much. I remember being dragged to do things I didn’t want to do, but I was always told to make the best of it and enjoy the time. I wouldn’t even know how to say that to a kid these days.

Have you ever seen on social media the comparison picture where it says a 15 year old then and one now? Chest out, back arched, cropped top, short high rise shorts, colored pampered cool hair, brows done, and hecka makeup on. Me one length, one colored hair, pleated khaki pants, bushy eyebrows, no make up and a windbreaker. We were doing the Macarena they are doing the stanky leg.

I know times have and will continue to evolve as it should, but as a parent, it is our job to keep them grounded, guide them, protect them and support their hearts. Along with all the world changing, so much more is exposed and it scares me. I try not to freak my daughter out but the maturity and awareness just isn’t there yet. I mean, people can’t go to concerts, movies, malls, churches, malls, and schools without worrying about guns, fights, sex trafficking, and drugs. It just blows my mind.