These last few months I have been working on being intentional with my connections. Not that I haven’t in the past but I learned I need to be more selective in what I invest in, not only for myself but for the people I put my time in to. I have learned to create boundaries and also respect other people’s as well.

I haven’t always been great with where I allow my energy to be used and come these recent months I have really been working on standing firm and sharing only where I feel safe and it is reciprocated. Knowing when I feel it back and not being taken advantage of has been very eye opening. I haven’t always been the most selective when it comes to sharing my energy, but after working on what fuels me and what drains me it has gotten a lot easier to weed it out.

When we become intentional with our connections something beautiful happens. A clarity on direction and understanding becomes so refreshing. Now I am practicing being more present to things that build me up and don’t drain or break me down. I won’t say I don’t have time for that because it seems harsh and not everyone is the same but I am definitely more aware of what’s put out and shown.

Life is hard enough without having people that bring you down, question yourself, or suck your joy. Although people do need others out there that bring out the good still, I will just be more aware of the ones that want that for themselves. We are created to build and support, but not be chipped away at when we try to be that. People change, notice their faults, and grow when they want to and sometimes it’s just not there.

As you know the last part of the year I focused on myself because I was going through a break up and needed to learn to love and find myself. With that came standing up for what “I” needed and that has and is hard for me. So this year I will not only continue that but my new intentions. I ended 2023 exactly how I wanted to and needed to for “Me”.

When I talk to my clients or counselor it feels good to know that I made it through what could have been so much more harder if I was to just keep doing and living the way I was. I have an amazing group of friends and have been doing so many more new things that I would have never, and man that feels good. The next is to slowly open myself up to possibly meeting someone new and that scares me. I also will be working on boundaries. Protecting my peace no matter the situation meaning place or people.

someoneInvesting in people that actually invest back in me will be something new and different. I have given so much of myself and my time to people and things that either never gave back or was not consistent, and I just can’t anymore. Working on my health also means being more protective of what I allow in and give out. Now I am not someone that expects anything back, but I have been just giving that to anyone, so. need to be more cautions of who I allow that with.

I have been a bucket for far too many that just fill me up with their stuff. Now please know I am not someone that ask for much if anything and if you know me, like actually know me you will know what I need or want that will make that balance equal in life. I will not be putting up with peoples crap anymore and carry more than what they are even will to carry for theirselves, meaning not taking accountability for their own things in their life but always playing victim will not be something I cater any longer. I have been through things but know that I have consciously made the choice to allow things and made the choice to be there. Now I am not saying I will be judging people and their situations and I am not one to be harsh about things but I will be a lot more ” we make our own choices” kid of person. I will use my word with love and will always think before I speak.

cannotI am not and never will be someone that will just look at a situation one sided, but I will be someone that listens first and think about how I should respond knowing that what ever happens from that point on is and will be on them just like I know I have the same right. I have carried so much of other peoples emotions and challenges that it affects me and that I cannot and will not do anymore. If something needs to change and I have control over it I will change it.

So for 2024 I will be investing in MYSELF first and those who invest back into me. Thank you to those who have showed me that that is important and that it is ok to say no and yes when I need and want to. I will be expressing how I feel more good and bad and of course always with love . I will be telling the people in my life I love and appreciate them more because nothing is guaranteed. I will be always working myself in a reality state because I am the one in control of my life, thoughts, and actions.

I am excited for what is to come and thankful for all I have in people and things.

Being left with no goodbye and so many questions is not something I have felt before especially since I didn’t do anything to deserve that. All I want to do is know why we or I wasn’t worth it. Thats what I am left with feeling. It’s terrible.

She just moved on with someone else so quick. Eight years with someone and then no down time just to the next and I mean I am sure it’s just me but how could someone that has watched our relationship just be like yeah let’s go full force. Just some of the many questions.

I know everyone is different and no one’s opinion matters, of course, this is just all my side and my feelings, but how can someone just bounce around without taking time? That makes me feel crappy and like a waste. I know in past post I have expressed how much we have been through together but if anyone really knew the long list of things it would seem crappy.

Today it has been exactly a month since I have seen or heard my ex. This month has been extremely hard and lots of ups and downs. I don’t know how to shake how I feel. Some days are fine and some are bad.

Loving someone still and having to let them go is hard. Life is not fair. And I know my life is not terrible. But what I am feeling and going through right now is like nothing I have felt, so I don’t know how to navigate it all. I never thought I would be here since I was told otherwise.

I keep hearing and reading the quote “ At the end of a relationship there is always one that moves on right away and the other that takes the time to heal”, well that is so true. But when I look back at friends or other people I know that I have seen that with, it is always a certain kind of person that moves on or had someone already to go to.

I am trying to do all the things therapy, writing, self-care, working on my mental health, and trying to feel so I can heal, but I just get stuck with thoughts. I was told so much and believed it and now I am here and well they are trying to create the life I and we wanted. New is always fun and good.

Now please don’t get me wrong I have said it before and will again all I want is for her to be happy, that is all I tried to do. Give the life she deserved and wanted, but it sucks that because of things that we went through it damaged me and became not good enough. It sucks. Sometimes people just want to live with no consequences. With all that I still have love and hurt and just wish I could change it all.

Eight years of memories, love, laughter, hard times, great times, kids, trips, and so much more. I love them all and always will. And I know a lot of people would question this but I would do it all again because to me it was worth it. She was worth it. I know this was all over the place and thank you for following along.

Today is a hard one. I always imagined Sundays as a day spent together, running errands, grabbing lunch, doing some shopping, and getting ready for the week. And now on these days sometimes I feel paralyzed with emotions. It’s hard to try to forget the way I envisioned our and my life to be.

I never thought I would end up alone every day. These last three years and the last year itself have been hard. I know half of it was out of my control but the other half makes me think, did I even try or fight hard enough for them not to leave. I am not one that wants to force or make someone be somewhere they don’t want to be, but then I am left here wondering what is so bad about me that they would rather be without me than with me.

I know I am a grown adult and should be just fine, and some days I am but there are still many days I hate not being able to drive to my family’s house to have a bbq and just hang out or have family dinner. Craving time with my daughter and wanting to just hang out is a big challenge for me emotionally. I have to remind myself she is growing up and is my kid not my partner if that makes sense. Its not her job to fulfill the emptiness I feel in the areas of my life but damn I am lonely a lot these days.

I don’t think I will ever get used to being alone and as much as it is not my focus at all, I might not be forever but I am not and will not look for someone to feel the void. Whatever is meant to be will be and at the right time if it is meant. I don’t like it but I deal with it. Ring alone that is.

As I have said in previous blogs I am an overthinker so there are many moments I am just not ok. I don’t always know how to just let the past go and let the life I was told we would have be just a past thought. I just hate I have been here before and just like those times I have no choice. Nothing I say or do will or can change that what is.

I think that is the hardest part. Feeling like I have no control of certain things in my life or knowing that I don’t is hard. Letting things just be and trusting everything will just work out or having to be patient and put more effort in to me is not something I am used to. Well being patient yes that I can do but to focus on myself is different alone. I am not sure if that makes sense but to me it does.

So today is a hard day and the only way through it is to feel it. I have to be honest with myself in these moments but also know it won’t always be like this. From songs, things, smells, and memories all are hitting me today. So remember it’s ok to feel, ok to be sad, ok to cry, and ok to just sit in it. The only thing I can control is how I get through it all. As I try to be kind to myself please remember to be kind to yourself and the others around you.

The beginning of anything in life is always exciting and exhilarating. Learning new things, all the new feelings, all the new experiences, but life does and will happen. New is something you create. That you keep. That you have to continue to find new so that you can keep that, well, high so to speak.

But not knowing how to keep and create that constant new feeling will hold you in the past. Someone stuck there, in the beginning, will never know how to live in the present and future. That’s when you have to do “The Work”. The work to keep learning. The work to keep trying new things.

These days I have found there are not many that do the work. The real work. If we did this the world and so many relationships would be so different, love and friendships. It’s not easy but nothing worth having and keeping is.

Now I can only speak of my own experiences and well although I am presently single, that does not mean I did not do the work. When in a relationship it takes two. To be real, honest, and completely upfront about who you are. Like who you are. There are so many that are either too afraid or just too fake to give that to the person they are with.

Now you don’t have to word vomit it all out the first day but definitely in the beginning, because that will as much as you think it might not help determine whether there will be a chance to continue to work on keeping the new and learning of each other. There are so many things that can keep people on their toes.

I know that there will be times when things become routine, stagnant, or even boring. At times that’s okay because maybe life at that time might need that but, it should not be forgotten that there is always something new to learn or try.

In life and in relationships things happen, good and bad. Some experiences break us or even sometimes slow things down and can take a toll on things. If we get stuck in those moments and times it can make it utterly difficult to get past and try to find new and exciting. We can allow it to paralyze us in life and make it hard to move past. Some will drown and revert to wanting to relive the past instead of remembering that you can find and work to have that right where you are to help pull you out of it.

Some will succeed and some will just bail and find it elsewhere because there has just been too much to dilute the clear picture that was. That feeling you had and remember that it is possible. some just don’t know how to. Every relationship and friendship started somewhere. That just doesn’t go away, unless you are just so shut off and cold.

Finding that spark again, that thing that brought you two together is and always will be there. It doesn’t have to be something deep but can be as simple as something said or as deep as something felt. That is always there in relationships or friendships that work for years, even if they fell apart at some point. It’s not for all because all are not that in tune with themselves. Those are the ones that hop, skip, and jump around.

With all of that, all I am trying to say is kind of like that saying “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, but will be green where you water it.” Everything takes work but you have to both be truly in it and honestly open to doing the work together because it is possible.

After a breakup, some not all, tend to see their ex in everything and everywhere you go. Hi! I am one of them. I can’t help it. Especially after this last relationship. I mean 8 years. That is a long time and a lot of memories made in so many places. Along with all of the places and things I wanted to do.

From the smallest to the biggest memories. From our first date, our first shopping trip, to the first time I saw them again. Let me give you just a bit of background on us. I first met her at a house party at my friend’s house. I saw her and instantly my heart melted. Well, that night we met but didn’t work out for me. That was the first and last I had seen her for many years. I never forgot her and then many years later and being friends on Facebook, she saw I was hiring and was going through some stuff at her salon. She reached out and I felt it all over again. The first time I saw her was at the Starbucks in Safeway behind my salon. She was attending a class I was having and holy crap. I was done for. If you ask me we have a true love story. There is a lot more to our story but that would honestly turn in to a book.

Now I have 8 years of memories with someone that I never even thought I had a chance with. So back to the point. I am someone that holds on to memories, super tight. I have the memory like no other. Every little thing reminds me.

Smells, moments in the car, when I lay down, when I get up, my clothes, shoes, things in my house, restaurants, shops, and so many other locations. You get the point. Everything was so different and new, and exciting. I was mentally just capturing everything I could. I wanted to cherish everything with her.

I try not to let it get me down but rather put a smile on my face. I know the ups go with the downs and the lefts go with the rights. I just try to do my best to get myself through the day when my mind wanders. Remember, I am an over thinker. So it is a constant battle.

I am not in a place nor will I probably ever be in one to just erase or get rid of things or try to replace them because nothing can nor will replace all the things good and bad that I hold on to and remember. Some comforting and some uncomfortable but all a piece of me.

There are days I feel like I am going crazy. I am a self diagnosed over thinker. All I do is think. With or without distractions, all I do is think. Trying to understand why things happen, how could I have changed the outcome, or how do I move on from here.

Being left with questions. So many questions and also knowing that what’s being said is not true. Not having any control of the dialogue is frustrating. I know the truth and my truth but some people have to dominate over things because they need to justify why they are doing what they are knowing they didn’t do right.

Staying silent when that’s all I felt when together as well is can be so paralyzing. I have never dealt with someone like this. It keeps me feeling trapped and stuck because it’s not right. Knowing that no one will ever really know the damage that they caused over the last eight years and know that they haven’t and will never take responsibility for it.

This turned out the way it did because they brought us here. Every cause had an affect and that was caused by them yet they will never see that and just keep going about life doing the same thing. There are people out there that it won’t even phase and well that’s because they won’t care, and really not care like I did.

Now as we know and I have said before, I am not perfect never have been. I can be bratty when I feel let down, I can shut down when I feel beaten, and I can get distant when I feel like a burden or am just tired of dealing. But all of those things, feelings happened because of what has been done to me and the things we went through.

We went through A LOT! If I listed everything and I mean everything I know you would wonder why I stayed and why I kept by. But let me tell you, because I believe in people. I see the good, whether glimpses or more. Everyone deserves someone to believe in them, give them trust, give them safety, loyalty, and love. I want to be there and make peoples lives better but in that I lost myself.

I became scared, and insecure and so worried about all the what if’s. But like I said if you all knew what we, them, and me went through and stuck by, you would know.

And now what’s left behind is all the holes, worry, and what if’s. All I hope is that one day, if ever they will see the damage left behind and not want that for anyone anymore. I also hope that their new life will give them someone that will see them, want to protect them, and want the actual best for them. Not fuel the fire in them like their past.

My light might have dimmed because of the things, but when you keep unplugging the lamp and forgetting to plug back in it makes it hard to see things clearly. My love, my caring, my wanting them to be safe and well will never leave. Once someone has me in their life I will always be there.

Now many have told me not to and to let them fall or whatever but falling is something we all do but not all have someone to catch, carry, or pick up, and no matter what or how long in between with anyone in my life I will be there. That’s who I will always be.

Something that has been said to me recently has made a huge, HUGE change in my whole thought process. My friend first asked and made time for me to check in and see how I was, which “Quality time” is my number 1 love language, just so you know. But back to what they said. She said “That the words that you say after you say them are no longer yours and now the persons you said it to.”

Since that day, that has been on constant replay in my head before I do anything. In any situation I have been in since, I have made sure that I have thought about how, when, why, and what I say to everyone. I am guilty of not always saying the right thing because of the certain moments, or hoping for a certain reaction, but no longer.

I will say what I want, need, and have to say but know that I have thought about it first. I will slip up because I am human but 99.9% of the time I will make sure that my words will be intentional and as clear as it can be. Every situation will be different and so will the thought process. Sometimes I might not say anything because it’s just not needed or I have not processed my thoughts yet.

I am someone that wants to speak love, kindness, and my truth. Again I will mess up sometimes but I will always try my best. Thinking before we speak or knowing when we shouldn’t is huge. A lot of people will think that what they say and how they say it is either helpful or them being honest.

Real honesty comes from ourselves, anything else is just their opinion. Again there will be people in your life that you will hold high enough to allow their opinion because you know what they are saying has been thought about. Let that in. Hold that high. Listen to them and know that their actual intentions are well, because not everyone’s is.

Words are powerful, we know this. And we hold value to the words of the people we hold value to. Now that I think about it the words we say to ourselves are just as powerful if we value ourselves. Not everyone values them self, again I am guilty of that as well. I know I need to be better and I try to do better each day.

So let’s challenge ourselves to remember that whether to people or just to us, the words we say are no longer ours but the persons we same them to. Lets lead with well intentions and love when we speak.

8 years I gave all I could. I stood by their side. I fought for them and their well being. I wanted to help water all the potential they have. I don’t regret one but. I have lost friends and have been questioned many times.

Everyone deserves that one person that looks at them and sees all that they are and can be. Everyone deserves to have someone that wants nothing but happiness and has their best intentions for them. To see someone in their darkest and lightest is the most beautiful thing. To know them so well sometimes better than they know their self.

Love is not always shared equally and 100% is not always given at the same time, but no matter love is what guides. And yes love can conquer. I am a romantic. I am someone that believes in love stories no matter the outcome. There are times that things fall apart but love is what gets you through it again no matter the outcome.

I have been broken many times in my life but I have always lead with love and compassion no matter the situation. Now yes I have had some crazy moments in my young love times, but I have learned so many things along the way. Now I am not going to lie I am in a deep hurt and confusion right now in my love journey, but no mater what love will never leave.

I heard a quote that you can’t be either a lover or a fighter. A lover is a fighter and that is me. I fight every day to get through the days, to keep going, and moving along. I have to. I don’t have a choice. I have been given this opportunity to live the way I do. Yes it doesn’t always turn out with butterflies and roses but I know that nothing does. Loving someone is a choice and a way of life.

My life is lead with love with everyone and everything I do. This time around I am still choosing love because I believe in it. This world is cold and dark and if I can be someone’s light and am so lucky to find someone that I can give love, strength, confidence, loyalty, and commitment to I want to be that.

Who knows what will happen in the end of things and I am trying really hard to get through the heartbreak I am right now. I have to believe love is out there and no matter what the situation I will always be there and a safe place and space for those in or coming through my life because everyone deserves that but won’t always find it.