My whole life

For as long as I can remember I wanted to me a parent and or an example to the kids closest to me. I have been blessed with many Godchildren that no matter the distance or the time in between would keep me from being there if they needed anything. As we know in 2007 I was blessed with my own child. My world, my heart, my soul, and everything I do is hers.

When she was first born my worries were so different than they are now for her. Some still the same but the different milestones and times in life bring a whole new wave of concerns, hopes, and wants and hopes for her. When she was a baby it was keeping her alive, when she was a toddler it was keeping her safe, when she went to school it was teaching her to be kind and confident, in middle school it was making good choices and knowing there were consequences along with still wanting her to be confident and proud, and now in high school it is a whole different world.

In our life together we have been through some things and most of them we got through it together and I was still looked upon for safety and guidance. I know things are not at all the same for her that they were for me when I was a kid. Although they might be different in the times, there are and will be some of the same struggles. Me as a parent in 2022 is so different than my parents in 1996.

I know I say and feel this daily but I waited my whole life for her, for these and all the moments too makes and be apart of. I consciously try to direct myself either the way my parents and friends did or don’t do. All I want is to be a part of her life. I want to celebrate the big and little things, I want to talk about the small and big challenges. Now don’t get me wrong I know I can’t and won’t be in all of them but I want to be.

I am about to be real vulnerable right now and that is hard because for me I don’t always have a safety net to catch me while I hurt and try to get through things so here I go. For the last two years I have really, REALLY been struggling in so many ways. I will stay focused on my biggest situation though and that is my relationship with my daughter.

My biggest fear as a mother and well as a mother of a daughter with two moms. Although we made sure to be involved and present in her younger years and try to raise her with confidence and realizing that we are not different from other families, she is the only one to decide how to allow kids, people, and her own feelings to control any way she feels.

If I am being honest people can suck. People don’t like or care for things they don’t understand more than they are open and accepting to them. Hurt people hurt people. I can say all the things and looking at how this world is these days you would think that having two moms, two dads, one parent, no parent, and so on would not be such a challenge theses days, but again this world still reacts before it thinks.

Now please know this is all just my feelings and perception on things (just putting my disclaimer out there). I am thankful to have a ex that hears me and tries to help me but if I am still being honest and vulnerable my ex is now with a man and has changed some dynamics. Don’t get me wrong he is great and I am so happy for her and he allows us to be exactly what we are to each other and that is so refreshing compared to her ex, but, yes I said but a whole new bunch of challenge has come up for me. So not only have I felt a pull away from my daughter, half of her life now looks “worldly accepted.” Now I say that because we all know most all people don’t question or dislike and man and a woman together, so now and again this is just me but as a kid there is nothing to be embarrassed about, but then there is me still. Where do I fit in?

Now granted most of my life I have felt that way in every situation but this one is and has really been making me question my whole life. I know you might think that is dramatic, but I love being a mom and being my daughters mom but if I am being 100% transparent my purpose has and is being challenged. I am not trying to be dramatic at all but something has changed between me and my teen and I am not sure when and why. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to her because she does not receive things the same. I feel like I am and will be judged by her instead of heard. Recently her relationship with her other mom has, I feel, gotten closer and the bond we used to have is no longer there. I am looked passed, sometimes not acknowledged, not embraced and our special little connection has flipped.

I try to understand and educate myself, but let’s be real no book or advice out there will be exactly what I am feeling or answer my questions and concerns. I mostly get from people I talk to is that, she will appreciate it when she gets older, she will see what she was given when she has kids, she will realize things when she doesn’t have it anymore, but I don’t want to give so much slack that I loose opportunities to reel her in just a bit.

As an adult, when I look back at my childhood, I recognize and remember the challenges with my parents and the situations and challenges we had were totally different. I didn’t have divorced parents, I had a sibling, and our struggles weren’t the same but we had them. Even though we did what I remember is that my parents always showed up. They were at all my sports, concerts, and involved in my school. For that I am so thankful and now even as an adult they still show up not only for me but for my daughter. One of my biggest take aways from childhood was that and that is what I have made important in my motherhood journey. She doesn’t always acknowledge me at places, or hug me like she means it, holds my hand, or is silly with me when we are alone but I hope that she will remember that I was always there and showed up for everything and cheered for her whether it was cool or not.

I know the teenage years are hard and I am sure with social media and all the influences around our kids these days might think we can’t relate but I don’t feel that is true. Like I said earlier I am sure I am just having all of these feelings and maybe my daughter is having questions but doesn’t know how to ask me. I know she has always been careful to hurt my feelings and very conscious about it but little does she know they are hurting now and I don’t feel seen. I know it is usually the other way.

When we decided to have her it was thought out and understood our life would be about and worked around her. Now no we didn’t plan on divorcing but things happen and changed but the only thing that did not was that she is our number one priority and that is what it is and has been. She is my life, she always has been my life and will always be that. I will work my schedule and day around her because I can and have that luxury. I get get every other week and when I do my week is based around her.

This year will be my last year to drive her to school and pick her up. This year there will be events, and parties, and new hangs with people and I am here for it, I just hope she knows that. I get she is a kid. I get that she is changing and going through things. I get she might think I don’t get it but I do. I know she won’t tell me everything but I don’t want it to be because she doesn’t think I care or that she can’t. I am not her friend but I am her safe place no matter what. I am not here to judge her or say no. I am here to let her know that I love her and know she is human and has a right to choose whatever she does.

I have up to this point done and said and advised and educated all I can for most things, but I will never stop being her number one fan and wanting to be part of her journey however she will allow me. She makes me so proud with school and cheer. I just hope she knows that and that its not not cool to be nice to your parents and say hi.

“2020”

I don’t even know where to start for this year. I have had many times I wanted to write but I didn’t want to sound super negative but well here I finally am not caring and sharing. I couldn’t even come up with a quote. COVID-19 backward is DIVOC “what DIVOC?”

I feel like I can honestly say that this year was one of the worst with the personal and worldly loss and struggles that were and are still hard to deal with. Notification after notification of people passing, the President doing something, the Governor saying something, violent act after violent act, businesses burglarized, protests, silent protests, I mean the list can go on.

I have a lot of friends that were affected by it but personally, my business was shut down twice for months at a time, fought with EDD, my home was shaken so much that at the end of shut down I am now living on my own, I lost my grandmother, struggling to make ends meet, no school for kids for a few months, then to online school, nothing open, always be limited, and again the list can go on.

If someone asked me how I would describe this year it would be “Control lost and taken.” I lost all control of this year from work to home life. I am now here sitting alone at my table figuring out how to just share my thoughts. The only thing I can control is my thoughts, and well to be honest those have sucked as well. I am nowhere near where I thought I could be at this time of year.

My business moved in June and am still trying to get that groove going and since everyone has had months to work life out differently, I am as well having to work on how my salon functions differently. I do love my new location and always love my team, but am having a hard time trying to support and provide like I have. I am so lucky to love what I do. It was really hard to not be able to see my clients and friends. The stress of losing clients and business was high on the list, but there was nothing I could do. I am thankful to be back and cutting and catching up with my clients new and old.

We are now in freaking October of 2020 and am now trying to build back up my business, help my friends and stylists, getting situated in a place I was not expecting to be, and living alone again, dreading even thinking about getting ready for the holidays and traveling. I know, I know I control my thoughts of how it can all go and well that’s why I am here and trying to get back on a track of forward-thinking. This year has rocked my positivity but I plan and trying my darnedest to end this crap 2020 with hope, light, and trust that there is a bigger and better plan.

I am thankful for my family and friends that have continued to check in on me and support not only me but my business. So far the takeaway for this year is keep on trucking. Although I have lost any control I thought I had of many situations this year, I will regain control of my mindset. Keep your heart kind and your mind open. With all the dispare this year please remember everyone is going through something.

“Why can’t you just tell me what you feel, because how you are acting is confusing.”

Relationships are hard, am I right? I see all of these relationships around me and are any of them even real? I follow a range of people on social media and they talk about how they have hard times and how they got through it, but if I am being honest at times it’s just so hard. It all makes me wonder what the ratio is for a healthy relationship. I try these things in my relationship or try to bring them to the table and sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.

The last 4 years have not been easy or smooth. I have tried to do the complete opposite of all other relationships. If I didn’t clean, now I clean. If I didn’t cook, now I cook. I fought back, now I don’t. But hello every relationship is its own. This partner is the most different in so many ways. So many differences between us and from how we grew up, our past paths, partners, how we have raised our kids and our kids other parent.

What is one of the most important things you value when with someone? Is it strength, honesty, hardworking, or being taken care of? I look for a partner. I want someone that will see what I bring and will bring the same level. I try to work hard and provide all of their needs. I try to make sure they have what they need. I think about what is needed and make sure they have clothes, toys, and any activity if they choose. If I could lets just say have it “my” way, I would have the kids in sports, have clothes to choose from, we would have a house big enough to all have our own space to escape, and we would care and respect on another. We would all have a better understanding of what each other need, want, and love.

A relationship takes two but really it takes however many people that are involved. Does your partner know what you expect of them? If we don’t share our expectations and standards they won’t know and you won’t know if it is something that will work for each other. Balance is huge as well. What you lack they should bring and what they lack you should bring. Not everyone is a perfect match. What makes things perfect is the work that is done together to be the best for each other and yourself. We have to remember that our pasts aren’t the same and there could be a multitude of challenges you might have to work through, but if the challenges start to over power what could be and there is no growth then things might have to be looked at honestly. There has to be work done on all ends and again everyone involved especially if say the kids are at an age where they understand.

There is going to be hard days, good days, and all over the place days. Communication, compromising, and consistency is important when building a foundation. There has to be push and pull and give and take. A common ground and understanding of each other is a must. When you have a partner and everything is so inconsistent from one end or both that won’t make for a good time. If you’re a dreamer, a planner, or a doer and that is not equally shared, thought, or done then where is the balance for each other? What makes you work? What gets you through the day continuing to love and desire each other? Does the good, great, and amazing, beat the bad, ugly, and down right wrong?

A lot of the times we hear,” they are my best friend!” That is great if they are. You should be able to talk to them about anything without fear of humiliation, judgement, resentment, and it being used against you. It should be the safest place you have. They should be your go too. They should be the first person you want to share something exciting or even sad with. They should be the one that can share your pain, joy, and celebrations with.

We can do all the work, research, reading, listen to all the podcasts, follow all the people that share their journey, but the reality is all that matters is what we do. The work we put in. The things we are willing to give and take. The sacrifices and compromises you’re willing to give. Life really is too short. Know your worth and your partners as well.