The value of understanding

I don’t ever remember as a child talking about having kids or even talking about being a kid. Like “I know things are hard” or “Help me try to understand, because it was different when I was young”. I have a 14 year old almost 15 and I am watching the changes. My daughter has two moms and we are COMPLETE opposites. Our daughter is a perfect mix of both of us though. We have been divorced for 12 years but have worked on coparenting the best we can.

My daughter goes back and forth to each other houses every week and has since kindergarten. I have noticed as she has gotten old while somethings have stayed consistent, some things have gotten, I guess you can say frustrating. She packs a small suitcase, a bag, her backpack, and cheer bag. Her clothes situation used to be a lot easier when she saw little, but as she has gotten older they are more expensive so can’t easily be duplicated and is always changing, so it is hard to keep up with.

Now don’t get me wrong I know she can’t stay the little girl that would hold my hand, cuddle me while she slept, think about me all the time and tell me, or want to be with my all the time. But can I try to keep her soft to people, think kindly first before judging, not compare herself to other girls, and teach her to understand that having standards and expectations are a good thing not always a let down. I have always wanted to be a parent and a mentor to kids. Being a kid is tough and even harder now with phones, movies, and just life in general.

I know the out of her moms I am known as the no mom, but I have really tried hard these last few years to be a yes parent with understanding. I want her to have friends and have fun and do things, I really do. I also want to know that she will make the right decisions in hard situations even after a bad decision might have been made. I do NOT want to be her friend I WANT to be her parent that she knows she is safe with and knows that she can mess up and that’s ok.

We do not ask much of her. I feel like we has raised her to be self-sufficient and has always been a helper. I try to do all the things. I am on Instagram, Pinterest, and google to try to continue to educate myself and grow as a parent. I have been creating a play book of parenting for years and I am running out of plays and the teams are harder to beat.

She is my world. She is everything I have ever wanted and every little thing she does gives me the feels. If she freaking rocks it at a cheer I am tearing up. I know it’s like come on Breanna. But she is my world and I just want to enjoy and root her on for everything. I know she has and will make mistakes and that’s fine, I have a ton of my own, but I don’t want her to be alone if she does and or rely on a friend. I want her to keep growing up, I just want her to let me be a part of it.

We won’t have this for ever and it will for ever be changing, I know. I just wish that as hard as they think their life is and how we can’t understand, I wish they understood we are going through the same growing pains and ask for patience. Please don’t take moments and milestones from us because you think you are too cool for school. I want us to be able to look back and remember those things and times together.

Being a parent to me is my most important job and the one that matters the most. IT is the foundation for everything else I did, do , and will do. I want to be able to pass that on to her, the importance of family, love, support, understanding, and that it won’t always be easy but worth it.

“Respect matters. When a stepmom feels respected, she’ll want to do just about anything for her step kids.” -Jenna Korf

When you fall in love with some one you take on all that they are and have, that includes kids. It is hard being a parent. All the rules, trying to make the right choices, picking what to use from your childhood and what to avoid. Now with all of that already on your plate add a partner that comes with kids that have all been raised differently.

I came in to my step kids lives at 11, 9, and 1. When I first met them it was great and somewhat easy. The biggest challenge was and still is their Dad. A lot has gone on in the last 4 years that have affected each child and why wouldn’t it. Divorce is hard and confusing and then coming in to a whole new situation getting to know someone new and another kid, is just a lot.

Each kid is very different in their own way including my own. So together we have 4, Two girls and two boys. The oldest is 15 going on 16 and she will be a junior in high school. The middle one is 13 and he is going in to 8th grade at the same school my daughter who is 12 goes too. And the youngest is 5 going to be 6 and will be starting kindergarten this year. For the last year we have had the oldest and youngest living with us full time and the middle one wanted to live with his dad to see how that went and well he is moving back with us full time and I have my daughter every other week.

I am a huge believer in having the kids involved sports and activities. I think it helps build character and teaches them discipline and commitment. I wasn’t around obviously when they were younger but I guess they did activities, bmx and cheer. The younger one has never done anything. As older kids they don’t but I am getting the 13 year old back in to bmx and possibly the 5 year old. My daughter does gymnastics competitively and our 15 year old is at the age where she doesn’t really want to do anything. She is artistic so I have bought her painting tools and she will do that every once in awhile. I think she is talking about maybe getting a job which would be great to earn and learn some responsibility.

I love kids and I love these kids and just want so much for them. I want to teach and push them to be there best they can. The last 4 years they have seen their parents go through some struggles and it has been hard because I don’t know how to be there for them. The older ones aren’t real affectionate and verbal with feelings. I have and do tell them I love them mostly in text and will get it back usually. The little guy is a little rough with his affection towards me but I will take it and there are times I will tell him I love him but don’t always get it back. I am a lover and I find it hard to show it to them or am always trying to figure out how I can express it so they can tell.

Even though I have a daughter, it is more natural for me to get along with boys. I have 7 godchildren, and only 3 of them are girls. I feel like I hit it off quicker with the boys when I first met them, but as they have gotten older we had some more challenges because of their dad. The middle boy looks up to his dad which most boys do but their dad hasn’t and doesn’t really speak highly of me, and I know that can affect a kids head, but I don’t give up even though there have been times I want to. I always have to remind myself when it comes to all of the kids including mine that they are just kids and didn’t ask for this life and all of the things they have gotten dragged through.

Like I said earlier, being a parent is hard but being a stepparent is even harder. Trying to earn respect and trust from them is the hardest. Not 100% knowing how the kids work, trying not to get in the way of the co-parenting (if any), trying not to push your ways on everyone, and trying not to be overbearing just in general is an everyday challenge. My partner and I were raised differently and that has and will continue to affect how we have raise our kids. I know I am not perfect, but there are times I feel that the way I might do or direct some things would be more productive and efficient. Her kids haven’t really been raised with rules, goals, and responsibilities. I have always been the more strict parent not only with mine, but in my past relationships. I feel like I can find a good balance between firm and soft when discipline and authority comes in to play. But sometimes I just don’t even know how to communicate with them and I shut down. There are times I feel very small when I am around them and the respect of being a parent isn’t given.

Each relationship with the kids are different. I have tried to raise my daughter knowing her worth and beauty. I tell her how beautiful she is and she can do anything she wants. We have tried to encourage and lift her up. We have babied her in some ways and guided her in others. When it comes to my stepdaughter it hasn’t always been smooth. I have tried to express in a similar way with her that I have my daughter, and its just not the same. I don’t think my daughter has ever tried to search for love and compliments.

I can’t say for sure, but compliments weren’t thrown around at their house from what I have been told. So when the 15 year old is feeling herself or unsure about how she feels, she kind of walks in the room awkwardly like, “how do I look?” I try to use the words beautiful and gorgeous but it feels kind of weird, but I still do it. I try to have talks with her about boys and stuff but she does that with her mom and feel like its not really my place. She is a smart, sensitive (but doesn’t always show it), and beautiful girl. She does good in school and stays out of trouble, but can be lazy when it comes to stuff at home and just drive in life but maybe that’s just being a teenager. I want to teach her good work ethics, how to work hard, be responsible with her money, and to be good to others.

In the beginning, I felt like I hit it off with the middle boy the best. I am a tomboy and play pretty rough so it was easy. Shopping for him and giving him attention seemed to be what he needed and honestly I as well. I was rough but sweet, and I think he liked that. He is funny and smart but struggles in school and well, so did I so I felt like I could relate and have patience. I felt like we bonded for awhile, but like I said, he and his dads relationship is something he craves and well, his dad is not nice about me and how he talks and I always feel like he is in the middle of things. He is moving back with us full time and I am hoping to get close to him again and get him back in to bmx. He is a great kid and I think just craves a bond and closeness with someone.

Let’s talk about the littlest guy. He is something else. I have been in his life since he was a baby but there has been some back and forth and well, again his dad doesn’t talk nice about me and he has been and is a sponge. Each house is different and that includes the rules. He is so smart and silly and very clingy to his mom. It used to come between us, but I have learned to just remind myself kids don’t stay little forever. When it comes to rules for this little guy well, there are none. When he would be at his dads , grandmas, or here there are not really any rules, unless his mom isn’t home and its just me. He has rules and he follows them most of the time. I am having a lot of challenges with him these days and just hope that we will all get on the same page soon.

At the moment we live in an apartment, so we don’t have a yard or space to play, but there are still things to do but he doesn’t. He sits on his moms phone or now plays video games all day. He will have the tv on while he watches the phone, and I just think that is just too much sometimes. The things he watches are not something I generally agree with and how he talks and acts again, is not something I generally agree with because he is just mimicking what he watches and well, its not my favorite. I truly believe that what we watch and engage in affects us and our minds. I hear stories all the time and I know I can’t protect him and shelter him, that’s just not how he was and is raised, but I wish I could put more positive things in that little mind. When school was in and he was in preschool, I tried to do workbooks and get him to read so he can practice his sight words and he just wasn’t into it. His attention doesn’t hold for long unless it is an electronic. When I get him away from the phone and outside doing things, I love it and I know he does too. I also love just hanging out, me and him. It is just easier to bond when I take him out of the house and am able to interact with him.

I love these kids so much, and I love their mom even more. I want so much for all of them and want them to all have such a full life. I want to be an example of hard work, their biggest fan, support, friend, and parent. I know I will never be their parent, but I hope they will see how much I love them and would do anything for them and all I ask for is respect and understanding from them that I am doing my best. Being a stepparent is a choice and a commitment. We work hard for our bond and connection, and it really is a hard job because sometimes we feel like we just don’t fit in, but love is unconditional and I love these kids and am excited for a future with them.

“Don’t let other people decide who you are.”

I hear now, more often than ever, that we start to become like the 5 people we surround ourselves with. Are the people around you so hurt from their past that they haven’t and can’t see that they are projecting? Or do you have people in your life that are on a similar path, have similar views, and that strive to be the best version of themselves?

I could sit here and tell you who I am, but you will make your own assumptions and come to your own conclusions reading what I write. By writing we (the writer) allow your mind to make it’s own decision as what to trust and believe. We allow you to be able to question and think what you want about us, our stories and feelings.

When we put ourselves out there whether online or in person, we become vulnerable to the world. People we are not directly intimate with will never really know us. We will have some that will and can relate, some that will be disgusted and judge, and some that want so bad to just feel some sort of connection to something or to someone.

I am not, or at least try not to be one who does things to receive things. I was raised to genuinely care, and give if I can without expecting anything back. I don’t pick and choose who I give that to. I mean, I guess I do, because there are so many that are in need, that I tend to give to those I have crossed paths with or that are currently in my life. What I give is not always tangible.

If I sat here and analyzed why every person came in and out of my life, I would go crazy. I truly believe that there are three types of friends in our life: friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. I have had many different kinds of relationships, some long and short term, some good and bad, and even some ending in a lesson, but I was always taught to forgive and still care. It is who I am, and I get tired of being questioned by those close to me. How do I justify that my motives are not wrong? How can I be me and make those close to me feel secure? Does anyone else get tired of being judged? Try to remember this quote when you’re looking at how other people have always lived their life: ” Your perception of them is a reflection of you; their reaction to you is an awareness of them.”

I know who I am. I always know my intentions. I know how I was raised, and what the consequences are by my choices in life. How do I find balance? This conversation can branch off in so many different ways, but I am not wanting to get into more than I need other than trying to find balance with trust.

How do we break through without allowing people decide who we are? I mean honestly, we can’t really control that. Perception is created internally, no matter what happens externally. If we occupy our life with people that always question who and how we are, maybe we have to think, do they belong there? By surrounding ourselves with positive things and people in our daily, it will always allow for us to be who we are.

I would love to know what you think, and if there are any situations that have come up where you can relate. I would love to hear from you. Please remember these are just my thoughts and feelings. How would life be if we lived our lives remembering that other peoples opinions of us don’t matter?

Let me introduce myself…

“Work hard until you no longer have to introduce yourself.”

In order for you to really want to know more about me and my life, let me share who I am with you. I am a salon owner, partner, mother, step-mother, daughter, sister, artist, photographer, lover of music, and people.

My biggest accomplishment in life so far I feel is my daughter. Although she is at an age right now that, well, I am having some challenges with, she is the best part of me. Me and my daughters other mother divorced over 9 years ago. It wasn’t always easy but we have come a long way and worked hard to heal and understand what is left and well, I am happy to say she is remarried, I have been with my partner for the last 4 years , and for the last year my ex has worked at my salon as a stylist. I know it is not for everyone to understand but my daughter is happy and all of us get along.

Staying on accomplishments, my next biggest is my salon. Abeille Salon opened in 2010, and although I am not famous and serving the celebrities, I am extremely proud of all of the stylists I have had and currently have the honor to work alongside with. I have grown up watching my Dad run his company for the last 19+ years, and how he has treated his employees, and created a name for himself. It has always fueled me on how I want to be. I have created a work family. We all get along (most of the time I did say family), we support each other in our work and personal life, and we respect each other as stylists. My dad has always been one of my main mentors. He and his business are now requested because he worked hard to make a name and was good to people. I have been doing hair for 18 almost 19 years and I love it. Sure there are some days, especially when I have to wear my boss hat, where it feels like work, but most days I get to do what I love, where I love, and with people I love. We get to be day makers.

A little about my family. My parents have been married for 45 years and from that came my brother and I. My dad has been many things but for the last 20 years he has been in hospital construction. My mom was a dietician for many years, but has been retired for awhile, and last my brother is, literally, the jack of all trades, but his main job is and has been ministries and is currently at Bayside Church. I have grown up watching hard times, tough decisions, loyalty, commitment, and sacrifice from my parents. I was raised to give, share what I can, to lift up those around me, and to love all. I was taught to have a soft heart, and hard shell. I was also taught to trust in God and know that He is the one that provides.

Now for my personal life. I will talk more about it in future posts but I will give you the gist now. I met my current partner 19 years ago at a party and obviously we went our separate ways and lived our lives until about 4 years ago when she reached out to come and work at my salon. We reconnected and well, here we are. She came in to my life with 3 kids. Her oldest is 15, middle is 13, and youngest is 5. 1 girl and 2 boys. Her and I come from extremely different pasts and how we were raised. With that, our kids have been raised differently and to be honest, it has been hard at times and a lot of feelings of uncertainty in so much. It has not been easy and there have been a lot of ups and downs. We are so very different and came in to this relationship each with a lot of baggage. Like I said it has not been easy, and in the short time we have been through a lot, but what relationship doesn’t, right?

Well I hope that this introduction has provided information that will keep you sticking around to find out more in details about everything I have shared.

Freedom of speech…

“Creativity is intelligence having fun.” -Albert Einstein

I know, I just jumped in so let me just take a minute to explain a little more behind the motive of me starting this blog. I am not even really sure I can call it that but with all the research and books I have been reading, that is what they call it.

I am new to all of this, but have had a heavy feeling on my heart for a while and well here goes nothing.

I wanted to start this “blog” as a platform for me to download my thought and feelings in a safe, yet public space, kind of like a journal open for comments and feedback. I would like this space for all ages and for any gender. My hopes are to share my stories and spread positivity in hopes someone can relate and know they are not alone. I don’t know if my story or feelings will be relatable with anyone or any age but I need to try.

I feel like I can relate to kids going through things in life and to adults just trying to get through the day. If I can reach, relate to, or even remind someone of something good then this might just work. Life is hard and with everything there is now that wasn’t around when I was younger makes it even more hard and honestly kind of depressing.

Please remember that these will be my thoughts and feelings. I am not a big politics person, I will never push religion on anyone, and I love inspiring people. I might speak of my thoughts and beliefs pertaining to both but that is because I can.

In the next one I will share more about me and my life. If you know someone that might be interested in getting to know me or need someone indirectly please share.