Tag: mental-health

Happy New Year!

Every year I don’t do New Year resolutions, I pick a word for the year to set my intentions in all the aspects of my life. Last year my word was Connection. As I went through the year and when it ended, I looked back and reflected on how and if I followed through with my word. I am happy to say I did.

My focus was building Connections with my clients, myself, my friends, and my family. There was a lot of good success in doing this, but there was also some that were lost or distanced. This last year changed in a deep way with the way I look at things and if I am honest, people. It was a heavy year politically, and it really made me look at a lot of people differently and a lot of them are or were in my close circle.

I am not someone that is political, and with that I don’t speak my opinion very often, but I would if I felt I needed too. I chose to sit back and just observe and it challenged my connection with many. So, with that I took my word and used it in the areas that would help me grow and not make me feel so little. These times are heavy and loud. It has made me sad to see some of the posts, comments, remarks, and support things that are close to me. Let me also clarify that we don’t have to have the same views, but I won’t accept intentional disrespect or hypocrisy.

Moving on to this year’s word, which is Intentional. I created my new board, again focusing on all of the areas of my life that I can practice it. Moving through life intentionally will help me think before I speak and react, strategically plan out and prepare my thoughts in work, relationships, and do what might be best for my certain situations. This will also allow me to protect my peace when going through life’s challenges.

I have always tried to move through life leading with love and thoughtfulness. I am not sure if I am successful all the time, but I really do try. Assigning myself a word for the year has helped me slow down my reactions and identify my feelings. Doing this also helps with my self growth which I am always working on. Not everyone will understand it, and that’s ok, the way I move through my life is not for them to understand.

I am hoping that setting myself up for success in my thoughts and intentions I will be able to achieve my goals. I am hoping to stay motivated and focused, but allowing myself a little grace when it comes to my reactions. I am only human and trying to be the best I can in a world of absolute chaos.

2023 is coming to an end!

Well hello! Man I have been reflecting on this year and there are a lot of feelings that it gives me. The holidays are coming and going and before we know it we will be writing 2024. This year has been a year of loss in death and relationships, self realizations, self growth and so much more. From May until now so much has changed in my life and if I am being honest it broke me.

The first loss was my grandpa in May while we were in Hawaii. He was in his 90’s and although at that age we tried to be prepared as much as we could but it was all of the emotions being dealt with that shook me. I have not see my parents grieve much in my life, and both of my parents grieve different. I am not sure if it was just because I was there in the thick of it and seeing it first hand, or if because it was my mom, whom I feel I am more connected to when she is in pain, but man was it hard to experience as a child seeing their mom feeling sadness. There was one other time I saw my mom in a state of so many emotions. The first time was when my dad had a heart attack when he was in Chicago alone.

For those of you that know me are have gotten to know me through here, I am a feeler. When those close to me are hurting or going through something, I can’t help but feel it as well. But in May she lost her dad while we were in Hawaii. Even though you try to prepare yourself for these kind of things, you can never really fully prepare yourself. I won’t go in to details but if I could use one word to describe the emotions around me and what I felt were, well eye opening.

After the passing and getting back from the trip well, I was broken up with and treated pretty ugly and had my birthday shortly after, not to mention we worked together at the time and well she made me finish out the month of June going through it all. Feeling all the things with my birthday, my daughters birthday and what would have been our 8 year anniversary all while having to work till the last day of the month with her, it being so uncomfortable for us all but her in the work place. There was one day I had a straight panic attack, something I haven’t felt in years and never in my work place before. But I got through it and since June 30th I have not seen her since.

Being broken in a way that was “promised” would never happen and when just weeks before so many other things were being said and told to me, took me for a surprise, honestly. Things had been up and down since 2020 when she moved out, but again so many things had been said and promised that at the end of this breakup I will never be the same. I got back in to counseling, deep into the gym, and signed up for some classes, all just to stay busy and find myself again. In those 8 years I dedicated MY LIFE to her. I mean I gave everything and all I had. Like in post in the past you might remember me talking about the kids. She had three, the youngest was 1 when I came in to his life, so I also feel the loss of child along with a relationship.

Being back in counseling has really helped with learning why I have reacted to things in a certain way and what kind of patterns I have continued to live. So since June I made a deal with myself to focus on me for the rest of the year. To grow, change bad habits, work out, and continue to educate myself, all to keep me busy and forward focused. Now, I would be lying if I said it has been easy, because it hasn’t. I have been in tears more than I would like in counseling, and had a few break downs in the gym, but only had to leave twice because I couldn’t get a hold of myself. Morning and nights are the hardest for me. I have also been surrounding myself with new people and people that I know I can be myself with.

thingsI have made new friends and started to go back out doing things I hadn’t done in so long because when we did I never knew how it was going to end. I have started to allow myself to be me again. Although I am not sure if it’s me or a new me because people change in 8 years and lots of trauma and not caused by me. I have reflected on that relationship a lot and I have always been an optimist and even through all of the things I went through I still am. I still remember the love, the laughter, all the good times, all the things we got through for her together and all the memories we made. I still feel the pain but I also still laugh out loud when I think of things or watch a video. Yes, as the kids say “she did me dirty”, she also taught me a lot and showed me a lot. I am still thankful for her and the time we had and even knowing she moved on before we ended I still just want the best for her and for her to be happy. I am not like other ex’s and never will be. We had something special and she was special.

I just finished my classes and am proud of myself for getting through them. There were my hardest yet but I did it and I am SO HAPPY to be done. I have stayed consistent with the gym and have continued to stay focused. With that being said what’s the next step? My friends think I need to get back out there but, I am not sure I am ready. There are things I miss but there is also a lot I am not sure I am ready for. I have been working on self confidence and knowing my worth. I feel I know my worth and what I want and deserve but when it comes down to it will I revert back to people pleasing or stand strong and not be afraid to hold back? Will I be able to break my walls down? Or will I let it crumble down because I am just happy to be there?

I am not sure how to go about things from here. I would love for something to find me organically and not have to do the apps. I hear my friends talk about their internet dating and man it is tough out there for them straight people, who knows what it will be like for the others. I know I will not make it a focus to find someone just to find someone. I know I am ok alone and have a group of friends that make me happy.

I am not someone looking for someone to make my life better and take care of me. I am not desperate to just entertain just anything. I have seen people in my life say and tell WAY to much in the beginning and have seen some be so reserved that the other people wanted more then they wanted to share just yet. I am not some spring chicken anymore but I have learned that I do not have to be a savior to all. I want to be open but I am scared. It is different out there these days. I am not a hook up person AT ALL. This new dating culture is not the scene for me. I can’t talk to multiple people or don’t want to at least. I have never been put in that situation before but just doesn’t sound good to me.

So going in to the end of the year I am proud of myself and trying to allow myself to feel whatever I need to through the holiday. I have a great support system and know that it is ok to feel and think about whatever I need to. I have been practicing not dwelling on the moment but also not getting stuck in it. I am not one for New Year’s resolutions but I do pick a word to focus on. I will be thinking of that soon so I can set my intentions for the year to come. Thank you for taking the time.