June is hitting a bit different this year…

I always look forward to June because it is the month my beautiful daughter was born. Along with her birthday my birthday is also this month and a special day her other mom created for me. But this year I celebrate Pride month. Now I have never been someone that “celebrates” it, but this year is different. Since dating my girlfriend I have been more involved in our community and have really started to embrace it more. I usually like to stay under the radar and keep to myself, and in my own way I still kind of do but am a little more aware and open.

I have tried to raise my daughter to see people and accept them as they are. I know it is hard for kids and that other kids just like adults can be mean, but we are all human and should be treated with love and acceptance. I hope I have done a decent job in showing her and that she can be proud of her parents. People living their truth is not something to be ashamed of. Loving and supporting people we care about is never wrong.

Last year kind of without realizing it I went to my first Pride event with my girl. This year I had people text me wish me a happy Pride month, letting me know I am seen and accepted. Now I have many people in my life that “accept” me but this time it felt different. Now I am in no way discrediting my friends, but coming from people who don’t pick and choose what they accept just gave me comfort. I like to be seen just as me, because I am just me, but listening to people in the Queer community talk, stand up for themselves, walk with confidence, and be so proud of who they are has really hit me.

Another part to me viewing life differently is my girlfriend. I have never felt so seen, loved, accepted, encouraged, and educated by someone actually part of the community. I have learned how to respect peoples pronouns (even more than I already did because it really isn’t that hard people), to acknowledge people in their comfort, and to understand the wide range in which we come. I have always been one to love all, accept everyone, and to be a safe space but I want to be it even more.

For many years I always presented as me but not with the confidence I do now. I was never ashamed of who I was but I always made sure to act accordingly depending on who I was around. I made sure to be careful what I said and to a point, kept my head down. Now I don’t care. I am me everywhere and with everyone. I have had so much fear put in me in my younger years. Being told that I need to be safe when I am out and about, that people with judge me for what I look like, that people will not like me for my life choices, and the hardest was when we had our daughter, being told that we will ruin her life. All of that has stuck with me and guided me in how I lived my life. At times shame, sometimes being an embarrassment to my family, and being judged and looked at when I go places. I am still very cautious of my surrounds and make sure to always pay attention, but I do it more confidently.

What’s sad is that this world is even worse than it was before. We are categorized as mentally ill, still bullied, and looked at like outcasts. The definition of Pride is ; a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired. People, and when I say people I mean the one uncomfortable with anything that they aren’t ok with, make such a big deal over Pride Month. Every day some sort of Pride is being shown or celebrated and someone will always have something to say.

This year I will allow myself to be even more open. To be surrounded by such a community is very refreshing. I am so thankful for the opportunities this last year to see things in such a different light. Love is Love and should not be judged just because you don’t understand it or agree with it. There are people of all lifestyles with no judgement. I am not super political but I do have things that feel right to me and wrong and to be on a side and with a crowd that wants equal rights, to have a choice, and control ourselves just seems right.

Being with such a beautiful soul that has taught me so much, shown me so many new things, and challenges my mind in seeing things in way that just allows me to love and accept all and yet to also be careful with my heart and to make sure I am surrounding myself with people that are open and loving. I am proud of who I am and happy to be with someone who allows me to authentically be me at all times. Someone who loves every bit of me. Someone who communicates with me. Someone who makes me feel so special. It is very different from my last relationship and I am still learning and trying to work on myself in all ways, but to have someone that encourages me in all things and supports me on a daily is so refreshing. That makes me feel Pride so thank you.

Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for loving me and all my quirks. Thank you for opening my eyes and mind. Thank you for all the experience and opportunities. Thank you for introducing me to so many amazing people. I am so proud of you. I see you. I love you. And I welcome this amazing journey you have given me a view of.

Perspective: A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view

Life is kind of crazy these days. With everything happening around the world and even locally, it has been affecting a lot of people in many different ways. Some of us can be sensitive to it and some desensitized. I feel like that no matter what we all feel a lot of it has to do with our perspective on life. Kind of like cup half full or half empty outlook. Perspective, I feel is also a personal journey. Some will just go off of how they were raised and use others views or will dig deep inside and decide how they want to feel and look at things.

I have had many times in my life where I had to stop and really think about how I feel about things. I, like many of us can get stuck in a dark cycle and loose time and spend wasted energy on things out of my control. I am a firm believer that if you can change your thoughts you can change your life. But I am also one who still struggles with it. Sometimes it feels like I have the weight of the world on me and it is hard to breathe at times.

I have always felt like I have been sensitive to people, feelings, situations, and surrounds. As an adult I feel it even more. I am way more aware of peoples energy, my surroundings and how it makes me feel. Understanding that everyone is and lives differently has really helped me be more kind and open. I have always felt different and being able to use and give that as a safe space for people around me and in the world is a better usage than casting judgment and excluding people that are different.

Being a lesbian, having a child from a same sex relationship, and believing there is something bigger than us out there, puts me in a place where I have no right to judge and don’t want to because I would like that same respect. The way I live my life really does not affect you. Who I love and how I love them is not only not your business, but also does not affect your life, and if you feel it does, you need to ask yourself why. I was not put on this Earth to judge people for how they live no matter the circumstances. If in danger, to help. If in need of support, show it. If in need of love and encouragement, give it. If needing an ear, lend it. And if in need of safety, provide it.

A few years ago I got a tattoo of the word perspective on my right arm by my wrist with a heart. The word is spelt with the letters all different ways. The meaning of this tattoo is very special to me. It reminds me daily when I am shaking peoples hands to always approach with love and understand that we all have different views on life and that is ok. having that there helps me daily sometimes in my field of work or when I am out and about meeting new people. If I am being honest it has been helping me even with the people in and around my life. I am human and catch myself starting to be like yeah but, and when I do I finish it with well there are so many ways to see things and handle situations.

I want people, when around me, to feel loved, supported, fun, caring, interest in them, and understood even if I might not know how to. I will educate myself in them and the things they are going through or are in to. I don’t have to understand, like certain things, or have the same perspective, but I will respect you and follow whatever direction that might go. I just want to be a good person and good to people. I don’t and won’t pick and choose who I am good to, but there will be instances where I might not mesh with people and well that’s ok, I will still be kind and respectfully remove myself from them.

I will and want to always be growing and learning to better myself for me and the people I love and encounter throughout my life. I want to lift or help keep level, never put down or make someone feel less than. I will always do my best to choose my words with love and concern. I want to always show up the best way I can. I am constantly working on myself to understand why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. I will say the hardest thing is showing myself as much grace and patience as show others.

I hope we can all remember, or at least remind ourselves we all have different stories, and have had different journeys through our life. We aren’t and will never all be the same but we can all proceed through life trying to be caring and understanding to those around us. ❤ Perspective

Hitting my limit…

I usually like to keep to myself about certain things, but I have been building up a lot of frustration, and well it is kind of making me want to withdraw. I don’t know if this will help but it might. I am not someone that tends to put a lot out there, such as my sexuality, politics, beliefs, or opinions on certain things. Now, let’s be real you can look at me and probably have a clue on my sexuality if that is your thing, but when it comes to everything else people are always surprised but the others most of the time.

I am not a republican, but also not sure about the others. I believe in my higher power and that is the only one who can judge me at the end. I am a lesbian and yes believe I was born this way. And last, unless asked I know my opinion doesn’t matter because it’s mine, I just don’t feel the need to share it unless it is wanted. Maybe in time I will go in to more detail on those but this blog is about what I have been struggling with these last few days.

This last presidential election was the first time I ever really felt anything. I woke up sad and heavy. Now, there have been times throughout that I have continued to wake up that way, but this last weekend was the Super Bowl and that next morning I woke up super heavy and disappointed. Let me be clear though it is not because of what you think. The game was eh, but the halftime show was AMAZING. I am Puerto Rican and Panamanian, so watching Bad Bunny perform, hit me in a way that made my heart so happy. What I was disappointed in was the divide that was created. For another so called “halftime show”, which, come on people, to be shown and how things were made so political broke my heart and made me see even a little more clearer the feelings I already had. I attended a Super Bowl party, which was great until then. I see division in so much but to feel it first hand, going to be honest changed me a bit.

I know not a lot of people read this especially my friends, but at this point what does it matter. I have a right to have my feelings and express them, since they do ALL the time. The separation that happened at the party broke me just a bit more and made me think about a lot of other things. I do not have the same political views as most of my friends, and I usually try to look past it but, it is getting harder and harder for me too. Amongst my friends also my family. I called my family a few days later and hesitated to even ask but, they very quickly made clear they didn’t watch the Bad Bunny halftime show. If I am being honest that made me angry, and if you know me I am not one that gets angry. That is my Puerto Rican side. I grew up listening to music I had no idea what was being said, but it never stopped me from enjoying the beat and later learning Spanish because it is part of my family history and even present. Hearing person, after person, after person be so upset that he sang in Spanish and didn’t understand it felt like the dumbest thing I ever heard. I grew up dancing to Spanish music, to my grandparents speaking Spanish and teaching it to us, I was taught my family values by my hispanic family because of the culture, and that made me proud. I could go on and on, but I will stay focused.

Like I said before that I try to look past my friends and families different political views, but the posts, the comments, the reshares, and dialogue used by them makes me want to pull away a bit. Some could and I know would say, “oh you are being to sensitive”, ” you don’t have the right information”, “you believe everything on social media”, and on and on, but what I do know is right from wrong, kindness from bullying, and safe from sacred. If you think watching an American perform in his beautiful first language, his popular hits, and share the story of our culture and history is wrong then it is not me who is to sensitive, not me who believes everything on social media, or, doesn’t have the right information.

I know people that are dealing with everything going on first hand that are affected by things politically and belief wise. This last year I have been exposed to so many new things. People from different backgrounds, lifestyles, culture and beliefs and, can say I am here for it. These times have made it really hard for so many, and the way things are being handled, or justified, and exposed is only getting worse and that makes me sad. I usually like to keep to myself and just keep quiet, but I am kind of over it.

Although these are tying times and honestly sad and embarrassing, I will continue to keep my core values and beliefs. If that makes my outings less, my circle smaller, and my interactions different, but still staying kind, open and guarded at the same time, and leading with love then I will keep pushing through. My purpose is to show and be love, to be caring and create a safe space. I will not become judgmental, but also won’t just accept everything. I won’t become hard hearted when people are needing compassion.

If we are lucky enough to have a new day we are given another opportunity to do better and think before we speak, be considerate before we act, and remember that everything we do will have a consequence, everything we post or share will forever be out there, that our kids and younger generation is watching us. I know we all have the “right” to say what we want, feel what we want, do what we want, support who we want, because we have “rights”, right? So with that proceed through daily life while reminding yourself of that.

Happy New Year!

Every year I don’t do New Year resolutions, I pick a word for the year to set my intentions in all the aspects of my life. Last year my word was Connection. As I went through the year and when it ended, I looked back and reflected on how and if I followed through with my word. I am happy to say I did.

My focus was building Connections with my clients, myself, my friends, and my family. There was a lot of good success in doing this, but there was also some that were lost or distanced. This last year changed in a deep way with the way I look at things and if I am honest, people. It was a heavy year politically, and it really made me look at a lot of people differently and a lot of them are or were in my close circle.

I am not someone that is political, and with that I don’t speak my opinion very often, but I would if I felt I needed too. I chose to sit back and just observe and it challenged my connection with many. So, with that I took my word and used it in the areas that would help me grow and not make me feel so little. These times are heavy and loud. It has made me sad to see some of the posts, comments, remarks, and support things that are close to me. Let me also clarify that we don’t have to have the same views, but I won’t accept intentional disrespect or hypocrisy.

Moving on to this year’s word, which is Intentional. I created my new board, again focusing on all of the areas of my life that I can practice it. Moving through life intentionally will help me think before I speak and react, strategically plan out and prepare my thoughts in work, relationships, and do what might be best for my certain situations. This will also allow me to protect my peace when going through life’s challenges.

I have always tried to move through life leading with love and thoughtfulness. I am not sure if I am successful all the time, but I really do try. Assigning myself a word for the year has helped me slow down my reactions and identify my feelings. Doing this also helps with my self growth which I am always working on. Not everyone will understand it, and that’s ok, the way I move through my life is not for them to understand.

I am hoping that setting myself up for success in my thoughts and intentions I will be able to achieve my goals. I am hoping to stay motivated and focused, but allowing myself a little grace when it comes to my reactions. I am only human and trying to be the best I can in a world of absolute chaos.

2023 is coming to an end!

Well hello! Man I have been reflecting on this year and there are a lot of feelings that it gives me. The holidays are coming and going and before we know it we will be writing 2024. This year has been a year of loss in death and relationships, self realizations, self growth and so much more. From May until now so much has changed in my life and if I am being honest it broke me.

The first loss was my grandpa in May while we were in Hawaii. He was in his 90’s and although at that age we tried to be prepared as much as we could but it was all of the emotions being dealt with that shook me. I have not see my parents grieve much in my life, and both of my parents grieve different. I am not sure if it was just because I was there in the thick of it and seeing it first hand, or if because it was my mom, whom I feel I am more connected to when she is in pain, but man was it hard to experience as a child seeing their mom feeling sadness. There was one other time I saw my mom in a state of so many emotions. The first time was when my dad had a heart attack when he was in Chicago alone.

For those of you that know me are have gotten to know me through here, I am a feeler. When those close to me are hurting or going through something, I can’t help but feel it as well. But in May she lost her dad while we were in Hawaii. Even though you try to prepare yourself for these kind of things, you can never really fully prepare yourself. I won’t go in to details but if I could use one word to describe the emotions around me and what I felt were, well eye opening.

After the passing and getting back from the trip well, I was broken up with and treated pretty ugly and had my birthday shortly after, not to mention we worked together at the time and well she made me finish out the month of June going through it all. Feeling all the things with my birthday, my daughters birthday and what would have been our 8 year anniversary all while having to work till the last day of the month with her, it being so uncomfortable for us all but her in the work place. There was one day I had a straight panic attack, something I haven’t felt in years and never in my work place before. But I got through it and since June 30th I have not seen her since.

Being broken in a way that was “promised” would never happen and when just weeks before so many other things were being said and told to me, took me for a surprise, honestly. Things had been up and down since 2020 when she moved out, but again so many things had been said and promised that at the end of this breakup I will never be the same. I got back in to counseling, deep into the gym, and signed up for some classes, all just to stay busy and find myself again. In those 8 years I dedicated MY LIFE to her. I mean I gave everything and all I had. Like in post in the past you might remember me talking about the kids. She had three, the youngest was 1 when I came in to his life, so I also feel the loss of child along with a relationship.

Being back in counseling has really helped with learning why I have reacted to things in a certain way and what kind of patterns I have continued to live. So since June I made a deal with myself to focus on me for the rest of the year. To grow, change bad habits, work out, and continue to educate myself, all to keep me busy and forward focused. Now, I would be lying if I said it has been easy, because it hasn’t. I have been in tears more than I would like in counseling, and had a few break downs in the gym, but only had to leave twice because I couldn’t get a hold of myself. Morning and nights are the hardest for me. I have also been surrounding myself with new people and people that I know I can be myself with.

thingsI have made new friends and started to go back out doing things I hadn’t done in so long because when we did I never knew how it was going to end. I have started to allow myself to be me again. Although I am not sure if it’s me or a new me because people change in 8 years and lots of trauma and not caused by me. I have reflected on that relationship a lot and I have always been an optimist and even through all of the things I went through I still am. I still remember the love, the laughter, all the good times, all the things we got through for her together and all the memories we made. I still feel the pain but I also still laugh out loud when I think of things or watch a video. Yes, as the kids say “she did me dirty”, she also taught me a lot and showed me a lot. I am still thankful for her and the time we had and even knowing she moved on before we ended I still just want the best for her and for her to be happy. I am not like other ex’s and never will be. We had something special and she was special.

I just finished my classes and am proud of myself for getting through them. There were my hardest yet but I did it and I am SO HAPPY to be done. I have stayed consistent with the gym and have continued to stay focused. With that being said what’s the next step? My friends think I need to get back out there but, I am not sure I am ready. There are things I miss but there is also a lot I am not sure I am ready for. I have been working on self confidence and knowing my worth. I feel I know my worth and what I want and deserve but when it comes down to it will I revert back to people pleasing or stand strong and not be afraid to hold back? Will I be able to break my walls down? Or will I let it crumble down because I am just happy to be there?

I am not sure how to go about things from here. I would love for something to find me organically and not have to do the apps. I hear my friends talk about their internet dating and man it is tough out there for them straight people, who knows what it will be like for the others. I know I will not make it a focus to find someone just to find someone. I know I am ok alone and have a group of friends that make me happy.

I am not someone looking for someone to make my life better and take care of me. I am not desperate to just entertain just anything. I have seen people in my life say and tell WAY to much in the beginning and have seen some be so reserved that the other people wanted more then they wanted to share just yet. I am not some spring chicken anymore but I have learned that I do not have to be a savior to all. I want to be open but I am scared. It is different out there these days. I am not a hook up person AT ALL. This new dating culture is not the scene for me. I can’t talk to multiple people or don’t want to at least. I have never been put in that situation before but just doesn’t sound good to me.

So going in to the end of the year I am proud of myself and trying to allow myself to feel whatever I need to through the holiday. I have a great support system and know that it is ok to feel and think about whatever I need to. I have been practicing not dwelling on the moment but also not getting stuck in it. I am not one for New Year’s resolutions but I do pick a word to focus on. I will be thinking of that soon so I can set my intentions for the year to come. Thank you for taking the time.