My whole life

For as long as I can remember I wanted to me a parent and or an example to the kids closest to me. I have been blessed with many Godchildren that no matter the distance or the time in between would keep me from being there if they needed anything. As we know in 2007 I was blessed with my own child. My world, my heart, my soul, and everything I do is hers.

When she was first born my worries were so different than they are now for her. Some still the same but the different milestones and times in life bring a whole new wave of concerns, hopes, and wants and hopes for her. When she was a baby it was keeping her alive, when she was a toddler it was keeping her safe, when she went to school it was teaching her to be kind and confident, in middle school it was making good choices and knowing there were consequences along with still wanting her to be confident and proud, and now in high school it is a whole different world.

In our life together we have been through some things and most of them we got through it together and I was still looked upon for safety and guidance. I know things are not at all the same for her that they were for me when I was a kid. Although they might be different in the times, there are and will be some of the same struggles. Me as a parent in 2022 is so different than my parents in 1996.

I know I say and feel this daily but I waited my whole life for her, for these and all the moments too makes and be apart of. I consciously try to direct myself either the way my parents and friends did or don’t do. All I want is to be a part of her life. I want to celebrate the big and little things, I want to talk about the small and big challenges. Now don’t get me wrong I know I can’t and won’t be in all of them but I want to be.

I am about to be real vulnerable right now and that is hard because for me I don’t always have a safety net to catch me while I hurt and try to get through things so here I go. For the last two years I have really, REALLY been struggling in so many ways. I will stay focused on my biggest situation though and that is my relationship with my daughter.

My biggest fear as a mother and well as a mother of a daughter with two moms. Although we made sure to be involved and present in her younger years and try to raise her with confidence and realizing that we are not different from other families, she is the only one to decide how to allow kids, people, and her own feelings to control any way she feels.

If I am being honest people can suck. People don’t like or care for things they don’t understand more than they are open and accepting to them. Hurt people hurt people. I can say all the things and looking at how this world is these days you would think that having two moms, two dads, one parent, no parent, and so on would not be such a challenge theses days, but again this world still reacts before it thinks.

Now please know this is all just my feelings and perception on things (just putting my disclaimer out there). I am thankful to have a ex that hears me and tries to help me but if I am still being honest and vulnerable my ex is now with a man and has changed some dynamics. Don’t get me wrong he is great and I am so happy for her and he allows us to be exactly what we are to each other and that is so refreshing compared to her ex, but, yes I said but a whole new bunch of challenge has come up for me. So not only have I felt a pull away from my daughter, half of her life now looks “worldly accepted.” Now I say that because we all know most all people don’t question or dislike and man and a woman together, so now and again this is just me but as a kid there is nothing to be embarrassed about, but then there is me still. Where do I fit in?

Now granted most of my life I have felt that way in every situation but this one is and has really been making me question my whole life. I know you might think that is dramatic, but I love being a mom and being my daughters mom but if I am being 100% transparent my purpose has and is being challenged. I am not trying to be dramatic at all but something has changed between me and my teen and I am not sure when and why. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to her because she does not receive things the same. I feel like I am and will be judged by her instead of heard. Recently her relationship with her other mom has, I feel, gotten closer and the bond we used to have is no longer there. I am looked passed, sometimes not acknowledged, not embraced and our special little connection has flipped.

I try to understand and educate myself, but let’s be real no book or advice out there will be exactly what I am feeling or answer my questions and concerns. I mostly get from people I talk to is that, she will appreciate it when she gets older, she will see what she was given when she has kids, she will realize things when she doesn’t have it anymore, but I don’t want to give so much slack that I loose opportunities to reel her in just a bit.

As an adult, when I look back at my childhood, I recognize and remember the challenges with my parents and the situations and challenges we had were totally different. I didn’t have divorced parents, I had a sibling, and our struggles weren’t the same but we had them. Even though we did what I remember is that my parents always showed up. They were at all my sports, concerts, and involved in my school. For that I am so thankful and now even as an adult they still show up not only for me but for my daughter. One of my biggest take aways from childhood was that and that is what I have made important in my motherhood journey. She doesn’t always acknowledge me at places, or hug me like she means it, holds my hand, or is silly with me when we are alone but I hope that she will remember that I was always there and showed up for everything and cheered for her whether it was cool or not.

I know the teenage years are hard and I am sure with social media and all the influences around our kids these days might think we can’t relate but I don’t feel that is true. Like I said earlier I am sure I am just having all of these feelings and maybe my daughter is having questions but doesn’t know how to ask me. I know she has always been careful to hurt my feelings and very conscious about it but little does she know they are hurting now and I don’t feel seen. I know it is usually the other way.

When we decided to have her it was thought out and understood our life would be about and worked around her. Now no we didn’t plan on divorcing but things happen and changed but the only thing that did not was that she is our number one priority and that is what it is and has been. She is my life, she always has been my life and will always be that. I will work my schedule and day around her because I can and have that luxury. I get get every other week and when I do my week is based around her.

This year will be my last year to drive her to school and pick her up. This year there will be events, and parties, and new hangs with people and I am here for it, I just hope she knows that. I get she is a kid. I get that she is changing and going through things. I get she might think I don’t get it but I do. I know she won’t tell me everything but I don’t want it to be because she doesn’t think I care or that she can’t. I am not her friend but I am her safe place no matter what. I am not here to judge her or say no. I am here to let her know that I love her and know she is human and has a right to choose whatever she does.

I have up to this point done and said and advised and educated all I can for most things, but I will never stop being her number one fan and wanting to be part of her journey however she will allow me. She makes me so proud with school and cheer. I just hope she knows that and that its not not cool to be nice to your parents and say hi.

“2020”

I don’t even know where to start for this year. I have had many times I wanted to write but I didn’t want to sound super negative but well here I finally am not caring and sharing. I couldn’t even come up with a quote. COVID-19 backward is DIVOC “what DIVOC?”

I feel like I can honestly say that this year was one of the worst with the personal and worldly loss and struggles that were and are still hard to deal with. Notification after notification of people passing, the President doing something, the Governor saying something, violent act after violent act, businesses burglarized, protests, silent protests, I mean the list can go on.

I have a lot of friends that were affected by it but personally, my business was shut down twice for months at a time, fought with EDD, my home was shaken so much that at the end of shut down I am now living on my own, I lost my grandmother, struggling to make ends meet, no school for kids for a few months, then to online school, nothing open, always be limited, and again the list can go on.

If someone asked me how I would describe this year it would be “Control lost and taken.” I lost all control of this year from work to home life. I am now here sitting alone at my table figuring out how to just share my thoughts. The only thing I can control is my thoughts, and well to be honest those have sucked as well. I am nowhere near where I thought I could be at this time of year.

My business moved in June and am still trying to get that groove going and since everyone has had months to work life out differently, I am as well having to work on how my salon functions differently. I do love my new location and always love my team, but am having a hard time trying to support and provide like I have. I am so lucky to love what I do. It was really hard to not be able to see my clients and friends. The stress of losing clients and business was high on the list, but there was nothing I could do. I am thankful to be back and cutting and catching up with my clients new and old.

We are now in freaking October of 2020 and am now trying to build back up my business, help my friends and stylists, getting situated in a place I was not expecting to be, and living alone again, dreading even thinking about getting ready for the holidays and traveling. I know, I know I control my thoughts of how it can all go and well that’s why I am here and trying to get back on a track of forward-thinking. This year has rocked my positivity but I plan and trying my darnedest to end this crap 2020 with hope, light, and trust that there is a bigger and better plan.

I am thankful for my family and friends that have continued to check in on me and support not only me but my business. So far the takeaway for this year is keep on trucking. Although I have lost any control I thought I had of many situations this year, I will regain control of my mindset. Keep your heart kind and your mind open. With all the dispare this year please remember everyone is going through something.

“Respect matters. When a stepmom feels respected, she’ll want to do just about anything for her step kids.” -Jenna Korf

When you fall in love with some one you take on all that they are and have, that includes kids. It is hard being a parent. All the rules, trying to make the right choices, picking what to use from your childhood and what to avoid. Now with all of that already on your plate add a partner that comes with kids that have all been raised differently.

I came in to my step kids lives at 11, 9, and 1. When I first met them it was great and somewhat easy. The biggest challenge was and still is their Dad. A lot has gone on in the last 4 years that have affected each child and why wouldn’t it. Divorce is hard and confusing and then coming in to a whole new situation getting to know someone new and another kid, is just a lot.

Each kid is very different in their own way including my own. So together we have 4, Two girls and two boys. The oldest is 15 going on 16 and she will be a junior in high school. The middle one is 13 and he is going in to 8th grade at the same school my daughter who is 12 goes too. And the youngest is 5 going to be 6 and will be starting kindergarten this year. For the last year we have had the oldest and youngest living with us full time and the middle one wanted to live with his dad to see how that went and well he is moving back with us full time and I have my daughter every other week.

I am a huge believer in having the kids involved sports and activities. I think it helps build character and teaches them discipline and commitment. I wasn’t around obviously when they were younger but I guess they did activities, bmx and cheer. The younger one has never done anything. As older kids they don’t but I am getting the 13 year old back in to bmx and possibly the 5 year old. My daughter does gymnastics competitively and our 15 year old is at the age where she doesn’t really want to do anything. She is artistic so I have bought her painting tools and she will do that every once in awhile. I think she is talking about maybe getting a job which would be great to earn and learn some responsibility.

I love kids and I love these kids and just want so much for them. I want to teach and push them to be there best they can. The last 4 years they have seen their parents go through some struggles and it has been hard because I don’t know how to be there for them. The older ones aren’t real affectionate and verbal with feelings. I have and do tell them I love them mostly in text and will get it back usually. The little guy is a little rough with his affection towards me but I will take it and there are times I will tell him I love him but don’t always get it back. I am a lover and I find it hard to show it to them or am always trying to figure out how I can express it so they can tell.

Even though I have a daughter, it is more natural for me to get along with boys. I have 7 godchildren, and only 3 of them are girls. I feel like I hit it off quicker with the boys when I first met them, but as they have gotten older we had some more challenges because of their dad. The middle boy looks up to his dad which most boys do but their dad hasn’t and doesn’t really speak highly of me, and I know that can affect a kids head, but I don’t give up even though there have been times I want to. I always have to remind myself when it comes to all of the kids including mine that they are just kids and didn’t ask for this life and all of the things they have gotten dragged through.

Like I said earlier, being a parent is hard but being a stepparent is even harder. Trying to earn respect and trust from them is the hardest. Not 100% knowing how the kids work, trying not to get in the way of the co-parenting (if any), trying not to push your ways on everyone, and trying not to be overbearing just in general is an everyday challenge. My partner and I were raised differently and that has and will continue to affect how we have raise our kids. I know I am not perfect, but there are times I feel that the way I might do or direct some things would be more productive and efficient. Her kids haven’t really been raised with rules, goals, and responsibilities. I have always been the more strict parent not only with mine, but in my past relationships. I feel like I can find a good balance between firm and soft when discipline and authority comes in to play. But sometimes I just don’t even know how to communicate with them and I shut down. There are times I feel very small when I am around them and the respect of being a parent isn’t given.

Each relationship with the kids are different. I have tried to raise my daughter knowing her worth and beauty. I tell her how beautiful she is and she can do anything she wants. We have tried to encourage and lift her up. We have babied her in some ways and guided her in others. When it comes to my stepdaughter it hasn’t always been smooth. I have tried to express in a similar way with her that I have my daughter, and its just not the same. I don’t think my daughter has ever tried to search for love and compliments.

I can’t say for sure, but compliments weren’t thrown around at their house from what I have been told. So when the 15 year old is feeling herself or unsure about how she feels, she kind of walks in the room awkwardly like, “how do I look?” I try to use the words beautiful and gorgeous but it feels kind of weird, but I still do it. I try to have talks with her about boys and stuff but she does that with her mom and feel like its not really my place. She is a smart, sensitive (but doesn’t always show it), and beautiful girl. She does good in school and stays out of trouble, but can be lazy when it comes to stuff at home and just drive in life but maybe that’s just being a teenager. I want to teach her good work ethics, how to work hard, be responsible with her money, and to be good to others.

In the beginning, I felt like I hit it off with the middle boy the best. I am a tomboy and play pretty rough so it was easy. Shopping for him and giving him attention seemed to be what he needed and honestly I as well. I was rough but sweet, and I think he liked that. He is funny and smart but struggles in school and well, so did I so I felt like I could relate and have patience. I felt like we bonded for awhile, but like I said, he and his dads relationship is something he craves and well, his dad is not nice about me and how he talks and I always feel like he is in the middle of things. He is moving back with us full time and I am hoping to get close to him again and get him back in to bmx. He is a great kid and I think just craves a bond and closeness with someone.

Let’s talk about the littlest guy. He is something else. I have been in his life since he was a baby but there has been some back and forth and well, again his dad doesn’t talk nice about me and he has been and is a sponge. Each house is different and that includes the rules. He is so smart and silly and very clingy to his mom. It used to come between us, but I have learned to just remind myself kids don’t stay little forever. When it comes to rules for this little guy well, there are none. When he would be at his dads , grandmas, or here there are not really any rules, unless his mom isn’t home and its just me. He has rules and he follows them most of the time. I am having a lot of challenges with him these days and just hope that we will all get on the same page soon.

At the moment we live in an apartment, so we don’t have a yard or space to play, but there are still things to do but he doesn’t. He sits on his moms phone or now plays video games all day. He will have the tv on while he watches the phone, and I just think that is just too much sometimes. The things he watches are not something I generally agree with and how he talks and acts again, is not something I generally agree with because he is just mimicking what he watches and well, its not my favorite. I truly believe that what we watch and engage in affects us and our minds. I hear stories all the time and I know I can’t protect him and shelter him, that’s just not how he was and is raised, but I wish I could put more positive things in that little mind. When school was in and he was in preschool, I tried to do workbooks and get him to read so he can practice his sight words and he just wasn’t into it. His attention doesn’t hold for long unless it is an electronic. When I get him away from the phone and outside doing things, I love it and I know he does too. I also love just hanging out, me and him. It is just easier to bond when I take him out of the house and am able to interact with him.

I love these kids so much, and I love their mom even more. I want so much for all of them and want them to all have such a full life. I want to be an example of hard work, their biggest fan, support, friend, and parent. I know I will never be their parent, but I hope they will see how much I love them and would do anything for them and all I ask for is respect and understanding from them that I am doing my best. Being a stepparent is a choice and a commitment. We work hard for our bond and connection, and it really is a hard job because sometimes we feel like we just don’t fit in, but love is unconditional and I love these kids and am excited for a future with them.

“Why can’t you just tell me what you feel, because how you are acting is confusing.”

Relationships are hard, am I right? I see all of these relationships around me and are any of them even real? I follow a range of people on social media and they talk about how they have hard times and how they got through it, but if I am being honest at times it’s just so hard. It all makes me wonder what the ratio is for a healthy relationship. I try these things in my relationship or try to bring them to the table and sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.

The last 4 years have not been easy or smooth. I have tried to do the complete opposite of all other relationships. If I didn’t clean, now I clean. If I didn’t cook, now I cook. I fought back, now I don’t. But hello every relationship is its own. This partner is the most different in so many ways. So many differences between us and from how we grew up, our past paths, partners, how we have raised our kids and our kids other parent.

What is one of the most important things you value when with someone? Is it strength, honesty, hardworking, or being taken care of? I look for a partner. I want someone that will see what I bring and will bring the same level. I try to work hard and provide all of their needs. I try to make sure they have what they need. I think about what is needed and make sure they have clothes, toys, and any activity if they choose. If I could lets just say have it “my” way, I would have the kids in sports, have clothes to choose from, we would have a house big enough to all have our own space to escape, and we would care and respect on another. We would all have a better understanding of what each other need, want, and love.

A relationship takes two but really it takes however many people that are involved. Does your partner know what you expect of them? If we don’t share our expectations and standards they won’t know and you won’t know if it is something that will work for each other. Balance is huge as well. What you lack they should bring and what they lack you should bring. Not everyone is a perfect match. What makes things perfect is the work that is done together to be the best for each other and yourself. We have to remember that our pasts aren’t the same and there could be a multitude of challenges you might have to work through, but if the challenges start to over power what could be and there is no growth then things might have to be looked at honestly. There has to be work done on all ends and again everyone involved especially if say the kids are at an age where they understand.

There is going to be hard days, good days, and all over the place days. Communication, compromising, and consistency is important when building a foundation. There has to be push and pull and give and take. A common ground and understanding of each other is a must. When you have a partner and everything is so inconsistent from one end or both that won’t make for a good time. If you’re a dreamer, a planner, or a doer and that is not equally shared, thought, or done then where is the balance for each other? What makes you work? What gets you through the day continuing to love and desire each other? Does the good, great, and amazing, beat the bad, ugly, and down right wrong?

A lot of the times we hear,” they are my best friend!” That is great if they are. You should be able to talk to them about anything without fear of humiliation, judgement, resentment, and it being used against you. It should be the safest place you have. They should be your go too. They should be the first person you want to share something exciting or even sad with. They should be the one that can share your pain, joy, and celebrations with.

We can do all the work, research, reading, listen to all the podcasts, follow all the people that share their journey, but the reality is all that matters is what we do. The work we put in. The things we are willing to give and take. The sacrifices and compromises you’re willing to give. Life really is too short. Know your worth and your partners as well.