What’s left behind..

There are days I feel like I am going crazy. I am a self diagnosed over thinker. All I do is think. With or without distractions, all I do is think. Trying to understand why things happen, how could I have changed the outcome, or how do I move on from here.

Being left with questions. So many questions and also knowing that what’s being said is not true. Not having any control of the dialogue is frustrating. I know the truth and my truth but some people have to dominate over things because they need to justify why they are doing what they are knowing they didn’t do right.

Staying silent when that’s all I felt when together as well is can be so paralyzing. I have never dealt with someone like this. It keeps me feeling trapped and stuck because it’s not right. Knowing that no one will ever really know the damage that they caused over the last eight years and know that they haven’t and will never take responsibility for it.

This turned out the way it did because they brought us here. Every cause had an affect and that was caused by them yet they will never see that and just keep going about life doing the same thing. There are people out there that it won’t even phase and well that’s because they won’t care, and really not care like I did.

Now as we know and I have said before, I am not perfect never have been. I can be bratty when I feel let down, I can shut down when I feel beaten, and I can get distant when I feel like a burden or am just tired of dealing. But all of those things, feelings happened because of what has been done to me and the things we went through.

We went through A LOT! If I listed everything and I mean everything I know you would wonder why I stayed and why I kept by. But let me tell you, because I believe in people. I see the good, whether glimpses or more. Everyone deserves someone to believe in them, give them trust, give them safety, loyalty, and love. I want to be there and make peoples lives better but in that I lost myself.

I became scared, and insecure and so worried about all the what if’s. But like I said if you all knew what we, them, and me went through and stuck by, you would know.

And now what’s left behind is all the holes, worry, and what if’s. All I hope is that one day, if ever they will see the damage left behind and not want that for anyone anymore. I also hope that their new life will give them someone that will see them, want to protect them, and want the actual best for them. Not fuel the fire in them like their past.

My light might have dimmed because of the things, but when you keep unplugging the lamp and forgetting to plug back in it makes it hard to see things clearly. My love, my caring, my wanting them to be safe and well will never leave. Once someone has me in their life I will always be there.

Now many have told me not to and to let them fall or whatever but falling is something we all do but not all have someone to catch, carry, or pick up, and no matter what or how long in between with anyone in my life I will be there. That’s who I will always be.